My American Saviour
by GingerSnaps96
Summary: When Ashley thinks her life isnt worth living what she doesnt know is that somoeone will show her shes wrong. Contains self harm-mild language-James/OC
1. Prologue

Every cut makes the pain fade.

Every drop of blood that hits the floor makes the world seem a better place.

Some might say am trying to end my pointless life others will say I'm attention seeking but to be honest the physical pain helps mask the mental pain. It drowns it out better than the drink and drugs would ever be able to. No matter how hard I try not to think about the sad life I live the more it drives me to cut the more it makes me want to do the things I regret the most. The one thing it can never make fade, the reason why he left us! Why did he have to leave my mum to fight for herself and me with another baby on the way. I was 4 it's not like I could have done anything but somehow I always feel it was my fault.

I take the blade to my skin again. I promise myself this will be the last time I will cut ever again but I know I'm too weak to resist. I also know that if I go too far one day I could end it all. Don't get me wrong I want this pain to stop but I just don't think am ready to take it that far I still have some things to look forward to in life don't I…


	2. C1 Nice Meeting You

**A/N. Okay so this is Chapter 1. Hope You Enjoy! Carry On...**

I looked at the floor a small pool starting to form now you could hear drips of liquid upon liquid. The house was so empty it felt like the drops could be heard throughout the house. In my mind I was mentally cursing myself for letting this go on for so long. In total today I think I have cut myself 20 or more times when I thought about the amount of blood freely flowing from my arm I decided that it was enough for the day then pain was washed away for a couple more hours. I ran to the bathroom to run my arm under the cold water hopefully it would be enough to stop the bleeding. On my way I also fetched the bandages from the kitchen cupboard when I was done I carefully wrapped the bandage around my lower arm neatly and placed the remaining ones back where they belonged.

Back in my room cleaning the floor with the mop and collecting all the tissues stained with my blood and placed them into a black plastic bag which I could throw in the bin without my mum asking too many questions later. As soon as I was done cleaning and there wasn't a spot or speck of blood left in my room I went downstairs into the living room where I turned the TV on. To my surprise Big Time Rush come on instantly it brought a smile to my face. This was one of the few things that could put a smile on my face lately. When their theme song was playing I sang along pretty loudly because no one was home to hear me.

I heard a car pull up outside the house I didn't bother to move it was only my mum she wouldn't be bothered if I was sitting on the couch listening to my iPod which was on full as always. When she finally got in she attempted to talk to me but I couldn't hear her so she just carried on walking through to the kitchen. When she finally came back with two mugs of tea she pulled my headphones out. "HEY WHAT WAS THAT FOR!" I said rather aggressively she just looked at me with a shocked expression.

"Excuse me young lady but who do you think you're talking to your not with your friends now! Anyway I thought we could sit down and have a chat I feel like we hardly talk anymore" Her expression softened as she talked but she was right I hardly talked to my mum anymore whenever I talk to her normally it ends up in a big argument where one of us walks out slamming any door that's in the way. She looked at my arm but she questioned herself weather to ask me about it but she did anyway, "Honey how did you hurt your arm?" I just looked at it and replied with a simple

"Ohh that its nothing promise and I just slipped over, sprained it a little and it's got a few cuts on it" I was hoping she wasn't going to take it any further and ask to take a look at it but to my relief she didn't. She just shrugged and told me to be more careful before getting up and exiting taking her cup of tea with her.

There was nothing on the TV worth my time so I decided to go on one of my late night strolls through the local park. It was nearly midnight so I knew no one would be there which meant it was safe for me to go. I lived in the middle of London where some famous people live and sometimes even at this hour of night you will see them on late night walks with their boyfriend/girlfriend but I didn't bother with them only the pond with a little stream leading to it which always made me relax.

**(Time skip 1 hour, in the park)**

I was sat by the little pond and stream the light sploshing sound of the water flowing through it. I just sat and watched as the light danced and played on the surface of the pond. Finally I decide to put my iPod in and play videos of the concert from a couple of weeks ago it was the best concert of my life. Big Time Rush with my best friends Beth, her little sister Lauren, Sophie and Abbey. I smile as I let the memories flood my mind and pretend that I'm back in the arena having the time of my life. When all the videos have finished I didn't bother to put the music back on I just sat with my headphones in listening to any noise I could hear above them.

I heard a loud thud as if something had hit the floor this noise made my mind wonder what it was. When I looked there was a boy on the floor looking flustered I had to take a deep breath to control my laughter as I imagine the sight of the boy tripping over air and landing in a heap on the floor. I put the thought to the back of my mind and take out my headphones placing them in my pocket I study his face I recognise him from somewhere but I don't know where as I clear my throat to speak he looks at me and blushes which again makes me have to stifle a giggle and say, "Hey are you okay? How did you end up down there?"

"Hey yeah, yeah am fine I think I just tripped over… nothing" His accent stood out to me from everything else about him. He was American! Now this had intrigued me to which I then realised that it was James Maslow. What was he doing in sunny old England which isn't very sunny at all. He tries to stand but ends up wobbling over again which causes me to stand and grab his hand and help him onto the bench I was perched on. "Thanks I guess"

"You're welcome, you're from America am I right?" He looks amused as if to say 'duhh stupid question' but answers anyway,

"Yes I'm from LA, you don't sound like the others I have talked to from London" To which makes me giggle and I explain how I have come to move from Liverpool to down here in London. "Wow really, well it doesn't feel right talking to someone and not knowing their name, I'm James" This makes me smile knowing that this is the most famous person I have ever met and he actually wants to talk to me

"I'm Ashley, and by the way I already know who you are" I say with a smug look on my face his face turns from interest to confusion

"How do you know who I am, aren't you a little old to be watching Big Time Rush?" I was surprised by this statement to which I have to reply simply with

"I am, to be honest I only started watching the show because of my little sister who adores the show and Carlos…" I let the last part hang before carrying on "Anyway I love your music, I was at your show in Manchester like three days ago which was amazing by the way"

"Thanks I guess but I'm glad there are some other people apart from 12 year old girls who want you to marry them but I have to go sorry the guys will be wonder where I have got to" His smile which was previously on his face has now disappeared to be replaced with a solemn look. He then digs around in his pocket pulling out a small scrap of paper and a pen. This makes me wonder why does he carry a pen around when he is jogging I guess it's in case someone asks them to sign something. I was snapped from my thoughts when he holds the piece of paper in front of my face. I blink a couple of times trying to readjust my eyes to focus on the neatly folded scrap. His smile widens when I take it and read it to my surprise it's a phone number and his name. "Text me later I think I would like to speak to you again" He smirks cheekily "Anyway I must get going, really text me you seem like a really nice girl" and with that he jogs off leaving me to ponder what has just happened and grinning like an idiot as it finally hits me that the beautiful James Maslow has just give me his number.

**A/N. Well I hope you enjoyed it! Personally I think its not as good as the prologue which is disappointing but anyway review please and I will upload the next part faster! GoGOGO...**


	3. C2 Old Friends

**A/N. Well here you go the next chapter in my fic :) Hope you like.**

**(Next Day)**

I was woke by the sound of my alarm playing Twenty Twenty Magic. I turned over quickly to lower the loud noise coming from my phone it was 8:30am. Today I was meeting my friend from school Ellen I am so excited to be seeing her it must be over two months since we last met up. When I was showered and dressed I straightened my hair and put a simple flower in the side that matched the floral print on my top and Dr Martins. When I reached the bottom of the stairs I could smell the sweet smell of my mums pancakes as I reached them and started munching at the edges my mum looked over at me with a disapproving look upon her face I could tell she wasn't happy but I didn't know what about so I decided to ask, "Hey mum what's wrong you don't look to happy?" Her expression didn't change when I asked her this she just blanked me which caused my mind to wonder what I had done now. She then spoke up

"Well you know that job I got a couple of weeks ago…" I nodded as I felt rude talking with a mouth full of these delicious pancakes and she continued "Well they decided that am too old to have to part so now I have no job and no money" Suddenly it dawned on me that she would have to rely on some of my wages what I got from working at the local riding stables for helping out with the children and doing yard work.

**(Time Skip-30 minutes)**

I was now walking down towards the local Starbucks to meet up with Ellen when I find myself going through my music library on my phone and start to play Big Time Rush into my headphones. This was one of them unusual days where I didn't take my iPod with me only my phone. Then the memory of yesterday popped into my head of who I met and whose number I gained in my contacts. Scrolling through numerous people I got to James profile and click send message,

_**Hey James, Its Ashley from the park last night hope you don't mind me sending you this text but I was wondering how was your leg? BTW this is my phone number**_

When I sent that text I suddenly felt my stomach flip and butterflies to spark. Why was I feeling this nervous? I've never felt like this about texting someone before. Finally I reached Starbucks and was headed inside when I spotted Ellen walking along the path towards the shop and decided to wait for her. When she caught a glimpse of me waiting for her she started to speed walk towards me which made me guess that she's missed me as much as I've missed her.

Once we ordered our drinks and muffins we sat down waiting for the order to be called we started talking about what we have been doing in the weeks we haven't seen each other. She had gotten herself into a college for sports as she wanted to be a coach for some sort of hockey team I think which has to be the best sport she plays and that's saying something because she plays so many different sports I lost count. Suddenly startling both of us our order was called so I went up to grab our two cups of Frappuccino.

I got back to the table and Ellen had a 'You better tell me everything' look on her face. "What are you giving me that look for?" She doesn't say a word only hands me my phone which I thought was in my pocket. I tap the screen to see what she's on about and it says

**One New Message-James Maslow**

_**Hi Ashley, my legs a lot better than last night thanks I don't even know how I tripped over… I'm really glad you text me even if the guys did get to my phone before I did and started asking a lot of questions :') How are you anyway? Xoxo JM**_

This text made my cheeks burn and then realising I still hadn't explained to Ellen what was going on I text back quickly,

_**Awwhh am glad your legs not hurting you as much now, really wow sorry I guess but funny thing my friend did exactly the same now I have to explain about last night and am good thanks xxx**_

For the next half an hour I found myself explaining to Ellen about how I come to meeting James Maslow in the local park I left out the part where he fell over air and replaced it with a log so he didn't look like a complete idiot. Either way I found it rather cute how he managed to trip over thin air. Ellen often made ohh and ahh noises to compliment my story and by the end she had a total look of disbelief on her face. She had always fancied Carlos out of Big Time Rush and the overall thought that I had met one of the other members before her annoyed her a little.

When it was time for us to say our goodbyes we promised each other that we would keep in touch more often than what we have been. She also made me promise to make a twitter account and follow her so there would be another way for her to contact me when she begged me to make on for the first time I refused and didn't understand why it was so great. I don't know what made today different though usually I don't crack when she begs me to do something but I did today. I have a feeling it might be because she had managed to slip in that James had a twitter which kind of persuaded me.

**(Back at Ashley's House)**

Home alone again I thought it won't hurt if I cut will it. I'm still happy but the memories of my mum crying and screaming that she can't cope still plagues my mind even 15 years later. It makes the pain come back again thinking about those memories which drives me to take the blade to my skin once again.

More blood pools on the floor this time mixing with tears.

I question why I always bring myself back to the place I promise myself I won't ever go to again but it doesn't help. In fact it just makes it worse more blood spills out of the fresh wounds and slices down my arm. I find myself in the same position I was in the day before in the bathroom with the bandages wrapping them around my arm. That is until my phone starts ringing, I look at the caller ID it was James. Why would he be calling me we hardly know each other? That's what run through my head as my finger hovered above the answer button. Those butterflies started again in the pit of my stomach then I decided to answer putting the phone to my ear I hear him say sweetly,

"Hello Ashley"

**A/N. So not much of a cliff hanger but I didnt know where to end this chapter, Im going to upload another part later as I am addicted to writing this once I start I find it hard to stop again. Hope your enjoying reading this as much as Im enjoying writing it. Please review and tell me that use are actually reading this thing it makes me feel a lot better knowing someone is reading it.**


	4. C3 Late Night Walk

**A/N. Well heres chapter 3 hope yoou like.**

"Hi James" I say cheerily as I try to cover up the evident nervous tone in my voice but when James speaks again his voice is almost mirroring mine.

"Erm well I… I was wondering if you're busy at all… tonight?" His voice sounded so sweet and vulnerable this added with the question I had just been asked made more butterflies erupt in my stomach. I try to gain more confidence as I say

"I'm not busy tonight, why do you ask?" At that moment I can hear someone in the back ground chuckling and by the sound of it teasing James about how nervous he sounds. I start to giggle when I hear a door being slammed and James pick the phone up again

"Sorry about that Carlos was doing my head in and I was wondering if you would like to go on a walk with me?"

"Sure I'd love to what time?" I couldn't believe it, was I being asked out on a date by the one and only James Maslow!

"Great erm meet me on that bench from last night at around 6"

"Okay but promise you won't trip over tonight" I add with a bit of sarcasm on the end to try and lighten the nervous settling in the pit of my stomach. James starts to laugh and when it subsides he says

"I won't I promise can't wait see you there!" and with that he was gone. My mind went into overdrive I was never normally like this when a boy asked me out but with James I got a weird feeling not a bad one, a very good one but it was just unusually weird.

I stared at the clock for a while taking my time to register what time it was. It was 4 o'clock which left me an hour to get ready before I had to leave for the park. I decided to leave my hair the way it was and only to change my clothes. It was late July so during the daytime it was quite warm but of a night it could get quite cold still. So I opted for the safe option a pair of denim shorts, a light pink tank top with a little bit of lace detail on the back and my white converse. In my own mind I thought I looked good for a change I just hope James would think I looked good to.

**(1 hour later-At the park)**

I had just reached the bench where me and James had first met. I decided to get my iPod out and only have it on low so I could hear when he arrives. Although this plan failed because when James got there he had to pull one of the headphones out which startled me a little earning at light chuckle from James. "Hi" I said sheepishly "Where are we off to then?" He didn't say anything just held his hand out for me. It took a couple of seconds for me to realise what he was doing and but soon took his hand and stood up looking around the park. We walked for a while around the park until we passed the same spot for the third time.

"Well we can't just keep walking round here all night can we, I have got an idea how about we go to a little café and get something to eat and then we can go take a walk around the river" I nodded in agreement and off we strolled still hand in hand walking towards the park exit.

Once we found a little café and ate our food James was telling me about the other members of the band or his brothers as he sometime referred to them as. All the time he has been telling me about them I have noticed one thing that I got off the TV but now emphasised by the dull lighting in the café is that he is completely gorgeous! His smile when he recollected memories and thoughts about things back in America.

When we were finished we got thrown out of the café politely because apparently they were closing for the night even though there were people still enjoying their food. We shook it off anyway and went for out stroll down the river which look amazing lit by the street lights and the reflection of the moon shimmering in the murky water. I would have even gone as far as to say it was romantic but this was only a first date I shouldn't be expecting anything from it I tried to remind myself as we walked along and I found myself talking about my family and life. He seemed pretty taken by the fact I did horse riding and insisted I showed him one time.

When it came to the end of the night James offered to take me home but I insisted that he should get back to his hotel. As I started to walk away after our goodbyes I heard footsteps running behind me so I turned to discover James chasing after me. "Hey wait for me! I will walk you home" He put emphasis on the 'will' so I stopped allowing him to catch up with me rolling my eyes as he tried to regain his normal breathing rate. It was getting cold now seen as it was 10pm "Here take my jacket you must be freezing" he started to take his jacket off and placing it around my shoulders

"Mmmm… Smells good" I said not realising I had said it out loud without even thinking about it. My cheeks flushed scarlet red when I realised what I just said out loud while James just laughed at my sudden redness

"Thanks I guess" he said in between laughs when his laughing died down he said again "We should do this again I've really enjoyed tonight" A small smile crept across my face as I have had a pretty good night too.

"Yeah I'd like that a lot it's been fun" We walked in silence for a while before the idea hit me "Are you busy tomorrow?" He thought about it a little then replied

"Nope, why?"

"Because I was thinking that I could show you the riding school I work at and teach you a little bit" The sweetest smile spread across his face at this proposition

"Sure"

We were now stood outside my apartment block and it dawned on me that tonight was over but then the thought of tomorrow crept inside my mind which made saying goodbye to this charming boy a little less sad.

When I was outside our apartment door I fumbled with the keys in the lock for a moment then heard the click and let myself inside. My mum was sitting on the couch it looked like she hadn't been asleep yet and yes I know what you're thinking its only half 10 and she looks like she's been up half the night well my mum normally goes to bed at half nine because she is up really early. I dropped my keys onto the living room table and she snapped her head in my direction "Where the fuck do you think you have been at this time! You know you are meant to be home by half nine ten at the latest and you're half an hour late!" She screamed at me the anger prominent in her facial expression.

"Why the hell do you care anyway your normally in bed when I get back and just in case you have forgotten I am fucking nineteen!" I screamed back at her I was shocked at the volume of my own voice

"I case you haven't forgotten missy your still under curfew from the last time you went out late! So where the hell have you been?" He voice growing louder and louder to the normal pitch she screams at me with

"Ohh believe me I haven't forgotten that after I was like fifteen minutes late because I missed the bus! And for your information I was on a date!"

**A/N. Well this is my second upload today, I think this chapters the worst because I havent really written about many dates so I guess this is the first time I have ever written about one hope you enjoyed let me know what you think!**


	5. C4 Reality Check

**A/N. well I thought I would do James POV because I need to start bringing the rest of BTR into it. Sorry its really short and that I havent uploaded for a while I was at thr riding stable and I have been sick which meant mum didnt let me on the laptop to upload or write anything. Anyway enough rambling on from me enjoy!**

**James POV.**

I got back into the apartment about 15 minutes after walking Ashley home. None of the guys were in the main hotel room so I decided to just sit and think in the dark. I shuffled over to the large sofa trying not to make any noise unfortunately I walked into the work surface from the little kitchen area. I mentally cursed myself for not putting the lights on but then remembered that the guys would probably have woke up straight away.

Once I reached the couch I slumped down into it allowing my head to flop back. My mind was buzzing with thoughts of tonight and Ashley. I couldn't believe that I actually found a nice girl in England I never thought in a million years that I would find a girl I liked this much especially in England. Then my thoughts went back to how adorably cute she was especially her accent it wasn't really one accent it was a mix of different places. Then I remember how she told me how she had come from living in Liverpool to London all because her mum wanted to get better jobs in acting but hasn't found any.

Making mental notes to convince the guys to go to Liverpool someday and to play a concert or two there.

My thoughts were interrupted when I heard a door creek and the dull sound of footsteps on the wooden floor. I looked up to find Kendall standing in front of me with a tired expression on his features. "Hey dude" I say casually wondering why he was looking at me with a strange look.

"Hey" He let the word hang for a moment before continuing "where have you been its pretty late?" I should have knew this question was coming but I still stumbled over my words

"I…I went on a walk" I said I tried to sound convincing but I Kendall could always see right through it he blinked a couple of times then gave me a look as if to say I know you lying just give up now "fine I was with a girl on a walk…" He expression changed from dull to suddenly concerned

"Dude you were with a girl… you know we are leaving in a week-" I cut him off mid-sentence

"Yes I know that but we are just friends" to which caused Kendall to raise an eyebrow

"James you are never just-friends with a girl it always leads to something more" I was kind of annoyed at what he said but when I think about it he wasn't wrong I had always tried to be friends with girls but my feelings always got stronger. Then I thought about how I acted tonight with her I acted like more than just friends but that didn't bother me at least I didn't think so. I liked Ashley she was about the only girl who actually knew who I was and didn't act creepy about it she was normal I suppose. Kendall snapped me out of my thoughts again "Earth to James!" he repeated waving his hands in front of my face. "Wow you haven't zoned out on me like that for weeks what was you thinking about?"

"Nothing" I replied still half thinking

"I know when you lying James we have been friends since forever now tell me!"

"Okay, okay well I was thinking about the girl. She's really cute and pretty not to mention she's not American she's English which is totally hot!" The thought of her again made me smile maybe I was falling for her was I… No I can't I'm leaving to go back to AMERICA in a couple of days I can't fall for someone that won't be in the same country as me…

"Wow James hate to admit it but you sound like you really like her" My attention was now fully on Kendall

"Really" He nodded

"What you gonna do?"

"Honestly Kendall I have no idea" I glanced at the clock it was past midnight now. The thought of it being that late made me automatically yawn "Well am going to go to sleep night" with that I got up and made a dash for the room just before I reached the door I heard Kendall mutter goodnight and the click of his bedroom door. Taking my jeans off I threw on a pair of jogging bottoms and put my top into a pile in the corner with my jeans.

Then I remembered about tomorrow I was going to go out with Ashley again. She said she was taking me to see her riding school and teach me. The thought of me riding was amusing to my mind I wouldn't dare get on a horse back in America why was now so different.. Maybe Kendall was right maybe I was falling for her maybe I just didn't want to seem stupid rejecting her offer after the fun we had tonight. I then thought that I would be better setting my alarm because I would probably get up really late if I didn't but when I looked at my phone I saw I had a new text message from Ashley

**One New Message-Ashley**

**Hey I'm sorry if I wake you but is it okay if we meet outside my apartment at about 9:30 ohh and bring some old joggers or something and a spare pair ohh and old shoes too and probably a spare pair of them as well. Can't wait for tomorrow had a lot of fun tonight A xxx**

I decided it was probably too late to reply but I had to, to let her know that it was okay. Then my head hit the pillow and I let the sleep consume me and let the dreams creep in.

**A/N. Also I will be doing another upload today. Review please!**


	6. C5 Why I Hate You

**A/N. So here is the other chapter I said I would post it explains somethings but I might post again tonight even though its 10:15pm. Enjoy**

**Ashley's POV**

My mum and I haven't argued for a while now but tonight everything seemed to boil to the surface I felt bad for being so angry with her but I don't think she gets that I am nineteen years old! I should be allowed to do what I want I just don't see why do doesn't let me out late.

This argument sparked something in me that made me want to cut again I haven't cut for a couple of days I believed things were getting better but I guess not. The hot tears streaming down my face seeming to be burning my cheeks as the freely sprung out of my eyes and once again I found myself bringing the sharp blade to my skin where the scars are beginning to fade. I guess they will never fade just like the hurt and anger I feel every time I think about my dad leaving us.

The red liquid starts to trickle down my arm splashing on the floor as it lands. I wonder how deep I would have to go before I finally took it too far and ended it all for good. Also what would happen if my mum walked in and seen me like this, what would she think of me I'm already a bad child in her opinion.

Despite all these thoughts that rushed through my mind as fast as the blood spilled from the slices I made. I felt a strange feeling of de ja vu again there was a puddle on the floor of the red liquid that should be contained on the inside of my body but yet again it was on the floor, the tears the were still streaming down my face mixing with the blood splashing around.

Suddenly there where dull spots in my vision then everything went black.

I could hear the dull sound of the blade hitting my wooden floor praying that my mum wouldn't hear anything then my phone rung telling me I had a text message. Suddenly I found I had the strength to open my eyes again. Picking up my phone it read,

**One New Message-James**

**Hey yeah that's fine :) and don't worry you didn't wake me I just hope I haven't woke you up, I really enjoyed tonight as well can't wait to see what tomorrow will bring JM xoxo**

I had a mini debate inside my head weather to text him back or not eventually I decided not to I didn't want to wake him up he was probably asleep at this time of night. My line of sight shifted from my phone to the blood which had now dried on the floor with my blade sitting in the middle with a red glaze over it. I mentally cursed myself for starting cutting in the first place but I knew it was the only thing that helped with everything I felt.

Cleaning up the dried blood seemed to take forever but it also gave me time to think about what happen in that last couple of days in my life. When I think about it that last couple of days have been good I mean I have hardly cut, I met the most amazing person in my opinion and we have went out on a date but then my mum ruins it all! She's made my mind want to cut she has made me feel terrible she has brought back all the memories of when my dad left.

***Flashback***

"**Mummy where's daddy?" 4 year old Ashley asked her distraught mother who was shaking because of her cries**

"**He's in our room sweetie" Her mother choked in between sobs**

"**Mummy why are you crying? I don't like it when you cry"**

"**I'm fine Ashley just go to bed everything will be better in the morning promise" with that Ashley trudged off in her little bunny slippers looking over her shoulder at her distraught mother. Being the curious child she was she went into her parents room only to find two suitcases and a bag sitting on the bed. Her father throwing his belonging into them furiously**

"**Daddy what's wrong?" Her father took his gaze from the bags full of stuff and looked at his innocent little girl anger evident in his eyes **

"**What's wrong! What's wrong?" He yelled at his 4 year old child "Your stupid bitch of a mother is going to have another child and I can't stick around for that little runt to pop out and pretend I am fine with it! You're bad enough I didn't even want you, you were a mistake do you know that! I never wanted children in my life yet here I am with one on my lap and one in your mother!" His voice sounding annoyed that the innocent little girl didn't get the fact that she was a 'mistake'. Tears streamed down the little girls face as she launched herself of her father's knee and ran towards the door only to be stopped by her mother.**

"**Why did you go and tell her that for! You ignorant little twat you know what I don't even know what I saw in you you're just a giant waste of space! I never want to see you again and don't even bother trying to contact **_**our**_** daughter that supposed **_**mistake**_**" with that Ashley's father left leaving her and her mother sobbing clinging to each other **

Just the memory of that night replaying in my head made me cry again but not with tears of sadness but instead tears of hate and anger of how she used to adore her father when she was three and four but after he left everything changed. My little sister was born but was killed by a hit and run driver two years ago who still hadn't been caught but I knew the police have given up trying to which I just accept now.

Thoughts of her little sister overwhelmed her mind as she let her tears drown out any other noise around her and let her mind slip off into a deep sleep.

**A/N. So hope you liked it and it made somethings easier to understand. Review please! Thank you Abigail :D **


	7. C6 The Fall

**A/N. I'm really sorry again for not posting but I had a little trouble with this chapter I knew what I wanted to happen I just couldn't put it down in words so that means I ramble a lot in this chapter and for that I apologise.**

**(Next Day)**

My alarm started beeping causing me to bury my head deeper into my pillow. Superwoman by Twenty Twenty was playing gradually getting louder forcing me to get up and turn it off. As soon as I removed the covers from my body I felt the cold air rush around every part I quickly jumped up grabbing my grey and blue jodhpurs my riding school polo and jumper and ran into the bathroom. I changed as quickly as was possible and throwing my hair up into a simple pony tail making sure my side fringe wasn't in the way.

As soon as I had grabbed breakfast and put on my long boots I was ready. So I headed towards the elevator of our apartment building careful not to wake my mum up so I wouldn't have to deal with her screaming at me especially with work. The elevator reached the floor and the doors dinged open I walked inside it was relatively empty compared to what it normally was on a Tuesday. I couldn't stop wondering what James would be like around the horses and more importantly what the other children and staff would react like when the saw him. The elevator seemed to stop on every floor on its journey down which gave my mind even more time for my mind to wonder and worry. Finally it reached the ground I let out a sigh of relief before checking outside when I looked out of the double doors that lead into the apartment building the rain was beating down on the ground heavily but that's not the only thing I noticed.

James wasn't waiting outside in fact I couldn't see him anywhere. Suddenly I felt a pair of hands cover my eyes I let out a small scream "Let me go" I said in a sudden panic the muscles in my body tensing.

"Hey don't worry its only me, I didn't mean to scare you that much" It was James as soon as I realised who it was my body instantly relaxed allowing me to spin around to face him before he had a chance to remove his hands. I raised my hand and slapped him on the shoulder playfully. James had a pretend shocked face on clutching his arm

"You shouldn't do that to people you nearly gave me a heart attack!" I exclaimed his expression changed into one of realisation

"I'm really sorry I thought you would know who it was seen as I wasn't outside, am I forgiven?" He was pouting a little _why does he have to be so adorable!_ I thought his cuteness seemed to make me forget what he had done just a couple of minutes ago

"Yes now come on am going to be late" With that I grabbed his wrist and dragged him through the double doors and into the nearest taxi. It was quite cold even though it was supposed to be the summer and the rain was still pouring down

"You have great weather over here don't you" James said sarcastically I rolled my eyes

"Yeah it's lovely and sunny 24-7 in England" I said back with the same sarcasm James held in his tone

"Well you know am not used to seeing this much water come from the sky I do prefer the sun"

"Yes I only have to look at you and get jealous of your tan that no one in England could ever get without going to another country!"

"Ohh so your jealous of my amazing tan hey" He stated with a smirk placed on his features as he started to raise that sleeves of his jumper to reveal the most perfect tan "We'll have to see about getting you a tan like this" he said with a cheeky wink

"Ohh will we now, I think I'd like a tan like that but if am honest am not sure that I could get ever get a tan all I seem to do is burn" The painful memories of last summer flooded my mind when I went away to Spain with my mum for a 'break' from everything that had happened when really it was just a chance for her to have a good party and for me to sit in the apartment covered in sun burn and moisturising cream. I winced at the memories

"Oh well we can still get you an amazing tan somehow" His smile sweet and sincere as if he was making it his mission to get me a tan.

Finally the taxi pulled up outside of the riding school the rain had stopped for now but the ground was littered with puddles leading up the driveway towards where all the stables and office where. James offered to pay for the taxi but I said I would and he could on the way home to which he didn't put up a fuss. I showed him around a little before showing him the staff room where he could place his huge bag. He heaved it off his shoulder and onto the ground in the corner. "What's in that thing anyway?"

"Well you told me to bring a spare pair of bottoms and shoes so I did I also brought a coat and some apples and carrots" His smile widened like a good school boy he was so sweet it was unbelievable but at this moment I could feel something between us building something more than friendship but I didn't know what to call it.

"Aww am sure the horses and ponies will love them with their supper tonight" He just nodded excitedly. Then suddenly there was a crash of metal on the floor I spun towards the door to see what had made the sound. I looked and Beth was lying on the floor surrounded by ragwort forks. "Erm… Beth are you okay?" She looked like she had seen a ghost I helped her collect all of the forks and kept hold of two.

"Yeah am fine but isn't that…" I couldn't stop myself from laughing how could I have forgotten that Big Time Rush are Beth's favourite band.

"James this is Beth" I pointed from Beth to James and repeated this but the other way around

"Hey Beth you sure you're okay?" James asked with an amused smile playing on his face Beth just simply nodded dragging me outside

"But that's James fricking Maslow!"

"Why yes, yes it is"

"How the hell… Why is he here?"

"It's a long story but we're friends so I offered to show him the farm and well here we are now" I said it as if it was nothing just something that happens in everyone's lives.

"Right.. Anyway we are going down the field for an hour or so to pick up the ragwort jump on the back of the trailer and I'll give you a life down" with that she skipped away towards the tractor and trailer. I turned to walk back inside but instead walked into a muscular chest. I looked up to see who I expected… James I handed him the ragwort fork with one hand on his chest. As soon as I realised I removed my hand as quickly as possible my face turning beetroot red causing eruptions of laughter to come from James

"Come on were going down the field to pick ragwort not the most exciting job but we get to ride on the trailer which is always fun!" His laughing subsided

"Erm okay… I haven't got a clue what it is but no need to go red some people would love to touch my muscles"

"Ohh trust me I know! And I'll show you what to do when where down at the field" I said dragging him off again I seemed to be doing that a lot today maybe just to get out of awkward situations or maybe I just liked to hold his hand. I really didn't know.

We jumped onto the back of the trailer our legs hanging off the edge. Beth started up the tractor and began to drive down the dirt path towards the field's dust being kicked up from the wheels. The weather had completely changed from the heavy rain this morning to a beautiful sun that had managed to dry out parts of the path only leaving a couple of puddles along the way.

Beth went round a sharp turn and I felt my body being thrown to the side. I closed my eyes waiting for my body to hit the dirt floor or the cold metal of the trailer but a pair of toned arms rapped themselves around me preventing my body from shifting anymore. I managed to open my eyes again to find James looking at me with a smug expression on his face. We just sat there looking at each other for what felt like forever but it was probably only a minute or two. "Are you two okay?" Beth asked confused I looked at her I could feel a blush creep over my face.

"This looks weird doesn't it…" I said flustered trying to hide my face from the two of them.

"Just a bit but look we can't just stand here all day get off the trailer and get pulling those bitch plants out!" Her statement caused me to shake my head and laugh she never refers to ragwort as just simply weeds or plants.

"You really need to come up with a new name you know" I said hopping off the trailer and walking towards the fence where the others where. "Hey girls you okay?" They looked deep in conversation until I spoke

"Ohh hey Ashley were good" Helen replied innocently which usually meant she was planning something "Who's that?" she pointed towards James who was towering over me

"This is James, James Helen-Helen James" I said simply her face screwed up into what I called her thinking face

"I know you from somewhere I just can't seem to place where though" I looked towards James as if to say do you want to explain or should I

"I'm in a band from America" His accent so sweet when he told her "We have our own TV show" Helens expression soon changed

"Your that pretty boy from Big Time Rush aren't you.." I was trying to contain my fit of laughter but wasn't helping very much I knew what was to come next

"Yeah"

"Ohh I always like Logan better" I couldn't contain my laughter anymore and they escaped my lip as James played mock hurt on his face "Anyway Ashley when are you doing this film night? You have been talking about it since last month and still haven't"

"Well I was waiting for my mum to go out and guess what she's staying at a 'friends' house this weekend so how about then?" I was kind of hoping that they were going to say I should do it earlier and they did "Erm well how about tonight she left this morning?" to my relief they all smiled and agreed. "Well am going to dig these up now" suddenly my tone had gone from happy to flat just thinking off digging these up in this weather which was now full sun.

I walked over to a big patch of ragwort and began to stab my fork into the ground. "Erm so what am I meant to be doing exactly" James asked I looked at him who was staring intensely at what I was doing with the fork. I showed him how to get them and their giant roots out of the ground.

It was about an hour into it and we had almost cleared the whole edge of the field. I kept glancing at James he looked like he was about to collapse from heat exhaustion. He had already removed his t-shirt revealing his perfect abs that didn't help me from getting distracted watching him. "Hey well we are done now we should probably get back am starving and need my chips and cheese from the café" I said with a smile we started walking across the field where everyone was still digging we remained silent until James spoke up

"So when was your birthday?"

"7th July" I replied simply watching some of the horses in the fields rolling and galloping around contently

"Wow and you still haven't celebrated" I shook my head it was a shame really it was my nineteenth and I didn't even go out clubbing or for a meal come to think of it I did nothing for my birthday. "How come?"

"Well as the girls were saying before I was planning on doing this but then my mum didn't go out at all so I couldn't but I guess I can tonight"

By this time we had reached the staff room and James collected a clean top from his bag I was watching him putting it on when he noticed 'Nice one Ashley you just got caught staring at him again!' I had to shake my head to get rid of the thought but there was another that kept creeping in every now and then 'you like James, you like James' again I shook my head and it went away. "Come on I want some dinner" James smiled and nodded

"I agree how can they do that for so long and still be out there?" He sounded almost shocked

"We are just used to it I guess"

We ordered our food and sat down to eat "Hey I was thinking do you want to come tonight? I mean you can bring the others so it's not completely weird for you" His face dropped he sat for a moment or two as if he was debating in his head.

"Yeah sure why not Ill text the guys in a minute" I couldn't help but smile the thought of Big Time Rush coming and staying in my house was amazing I could probably call it the best birthday but I'm not going to just yet

"Great how about we get you on a horse next"

"Yeah sure you know I have rode before but not in a long time"

"Really you learn something new every day don't you" He laughed at my lame attempt at being funny I didn't mind though he laughed which was good enough for me.

When we finished and handed out plates back to the woman in the café I headed to the staff room. I was planning on putting him on our 16h chestnut Carlo but decided to put him on someone a bit smaller. As soon as I grabbed the tack I started towards the door when I realised James was still texting so I waited for him to finish then we headed round to the stable block.

I slug his saddle over the back of the door and went to put the bridle on. "Wow he's gorgeous Ashley!" James exclaimed I looked at him and smiled part at what James had said and part because I managed to get the bridle over Toby's huge mane. I kissed Toby on the nose softly causing him to nudge my back when I walked away. He was always my favourite horse even though I want aloud to say so because I worked there.

"I know isn't he, it's such a shame he's so fat!" I said struggling to pull his girth up to the leather straps. "Come here a minute and hold this up for me" I asked James politely he walked over and stretched his arm around and held up the side of the saddle which made it slightly easier for me to fasten it. "Aha!" I beamed as I was triumphant and fastening it around the chubby horse. James just laughed

"I don't remember putting all this on them being so difficult"

"Well when you have one overly chubby and extremely cute horse it gets difficult!" I lead him out of the stable and into the arena where we already had a full viewing gallery "You know they are all waiting to see you ride"

"I know" I just laughed at how casual his was if it was me I would have been freaking out "So let's give them something to watch hey" He smiled as I held one side of the saddle down as he hopped on. I attached the lunge line and grabbed the whip off the floor and let Toby walk around in circles just so James could get used to him.

**Time skip-15 minutes**

James had now had a little trot on Toby and I got the courage to let him off the lunge line. "You're doing great on him!"

"Well you know I have rode before just not in a really long time"

"Yeah but when I stopped riding for a while it took me forever to get back into it" I couldn't take my eyes off him I was worried in case Toby did something stupid like he always does.

"I guess I'm just a natural" A smug grin settling on his features causing me to smile he really did have an infectious smile. Just at the moment I turned to see if everyone was still watching I heard the sound of a horse trotting and something hitting the floor. I turned around just in time to catch James falling off and hitting the floor with a thud.

**A/N. Soo what did you think? Rambled a lot right **

**Go to .com/picturesofme for pictures of me and Toby and yes he is a real horse, he is beautiful and no I don't own him sadly he belongs to the riding school I go to/ work at and I'm sorry if you didn't understand one bit of the stuff about the horse and stuff there will be a part two this is extremely long so I thought I'd chop it in half :D hope you enjoyed!**


	8. C7 Childrens Plasters

**A/N. okay so this chapter is terrible in my mind but I didn't know what to write hopefully I will post something better next time enjoy**

"Girls come get Toby!" I screamed at everyone in the viewing gallery as I was running towards James who was at the other end of the arena. Beth jumped over the barrio that separated them both and rushed over to the horse. "Hey did you hurt anywhere?" My voice stricken with panic and worry

"Yeah am fine don't worry about it" He said collecting himself up off the floor and brushing the dirt off his pants

"I'm really sorry I wasn't paying attention and I should have been and how did you fall off?" Suddenly realising I didn't know how he ended up on the floor

"I don't know to be honest I was a little distracted I think he just tripped up"

"Okay I really am sorry I wasn't paying attention what distracted you?"

"Erm nothing…" He smiled nervously before speaking again "Hey can we go get a drink?"

"Yeah sure you okay sure you're okay though?"

"I'm fine" We started towards the staffroom where all the girls were huddled together talking about something I didn't bother interrupting them they wouldn't tell me anyway. As James bent down to grab something out of his bag I spotted a patch of blood on the knee of his pants.

"James I think you've cut yourself" He looked himself up and down before spotting the patch of blood

"Ohh didn't even feel it" I pushed him onto a chair as he rolled the leg up his knee was grazed and it looked really sore

"Stay there I'll get something to clean it with" I grabbed the first aid kit that was left on the side and started to wipe it with a alcohol wipe. He flinched as I touched it but he managed to remain quite still

"Damm that hurts how did I not notice" I was rummaging around in the first aid box looking for plasters but all as I could find where the Scooby doo ones we used for the littler kids.

"Err James we have only got Scooby Doo plasters is that okay?" He gave me one of them looks as if to say you have to be kidding me but I pulled it out anyway and showed it to him it had a picture of all the characters surrounded by some of the monsters. I couldn't help but smile as he shook his head and I placed it over his knee and smoothed it down "There its got to be the best looking plaster I've ever seen" I couldn't help but laugh at his expression

"You can't be serious… I guess I'll just have to rock this look until I can get a pain one" I started to pack all the stuff away an got up to place the first aid kit back on the shelf when I could feel somebody watching me and everything I was doing. When I turned round James was standing behind me. I looked into his crystal clear eyes it felt like they were looking into my deep within my body. He bit his lip which made him look so much cuter before I could react I felt his soft lips press gently again mine. After a while we pulled away and a blush fell over my face "S-sorry" he mumbled I just smiled

"It's okay" was all that I managed to say we stood in an awkward silence for a while

"Hey guys, is everything okay?" I was so grateful Beth had decided to come in when she did I looked up and she was giving us both weird looks

"Yeah everything's fine" I lied "I'm just about to give the feed out so James are you still giving you carrots out?" I asked trying to break the awkwardness

"Yeah sure I'll just grab them out of my bag" he grabbed a bag of carrots out of his bag and smiled, I just walked away and as I predicted he followed not that he would just stay in the same room as someone who he didn't know but I still thought it was cute. When I got to the feed shed James was already by my side he hadn't said anything to my since we left the staff room. I started filling the feed buckets up with the mix,

"Put about one in each feed if you want or you can just give them to them by hand I don't mind"

"I think I will just put them in the feed them give Toby some separately, for having to put up with me riding him" As I looked up at him he smiled "Look am really sorry about before"

"Hey don't worry about it, it was… great" I didn't know what was wrong with me usually I am really shy with guys but when I was around James I wasn't I told him what I thought or felt. His smile seemed to grow even wider than I thought possible

"Really…"

"Yeah"

I was done with all the buckets and started stacking them up I tried lifting them but I couldn't even lift them off the ground "here let me help" James said sweetly I halved the buckets and managed to pick them up just about.

We gave one out to each of the horses and last being Toby he demolished his mix in record time licking his lips as James fed him a carrot. "Thanks for helping me with them they are really heavy"

"Its fine, you really think they are heavy?"

"Yeah but of course you wouldn't with your ginormous muscles" I poked one of them and he just laughed and flexed them so they were even bigger I grabbed one of them an squeezed as hard as I could.

"You know that doesn't hurt right.." he stated in a casual tone

"Yeah I just like how I can do that and you don't flinch like my other mates do" I smiled at the memories of when I was younger and used to go out with all the girls to watch the boys play football or do stupid stuff. "You really like him don't you" I pointed out as he fed Toby the last carrot.

"Hell yeah" his voice picking up sudden excitement "He's really adorable with his big mane" I ruffled his mane which is really thick and bushy I couldn't help but laugh at how much he like him. I was kind of please as he had took a liking to my baby boy as I called him and Toby didn't seem to bothered by all the attention he was getting not to mention the carrots.

"Well its getting pretty late and I have to be getting back to get all the stuff ready for tonight" Thinking about it I had, had the best day with him I kind of forgot all about the argument I had with my mum last night and I felt so much better.

We were sitting in the taxi on the way back to the apartment building when my phone went off

**One New Text-Beth**

**Hey you left before we had a chance to ask you what time tonight? Xxx**

"Hey is about 7 okay for tonight?" I asked James

"Yep sounds great" I immediately text Beth back telling her to tell the others as my phone was dying and knowing her she would already have it covered. "Do you want me to bring anything tonight?"

"Err nope apart from yourself and the others you could bring a film or something if you have any over here ohh an a overnight bag it's going to be like a sleep over type thing"

"Do you realise how childish that sounds" he said laughing

"Yeah but it brings back memories of when I was like 12 and always used to have sleep overs and stay up all night" I smiled at how good my comeback was for once. We pulled up outside my apartment building and we fought over who was going to pay for the taxi but this time James won.

We said our goodbyes until tonight and headed our separate ways I couldn't stop thinking about today. That kiss… what did it mean… why did he kiss me of all people… was it just a spare of the moment thing…

**A/N. Well hope you thought it wasnt that bad, I have loads of ideas for this I just need to get them written up :)**


	9. C8 Your arm

**A/N. I'm so sorry for not updating sooner I had the chapter ready its just with what has been going on in London people were trying to copy in Liverpool so I got really worried and couldn't concentrate on writing the next chapter but I thought I might as well just post this one for you. So enjoy**

I reached the apartment door and turned the key in the lock. As soon as I opened the door I saw several suitcases standing by the door. "Mum you still in?" I called out to what I thought was going to be an empty apartment.

"Yeah am leaving in a minute it's just I can't find your stupid straighteners!" She shouted from my room. I skipped over, I was really excited about tonight I couldn't wait it was going to be amazing! When I reached my bedroom door I looked inside to see that she had completely messed my room up. I had clothes out of my draws sprawled all over the floor, my many laptop and phone chargers tangled in a big pile on the bed and all of my shoes thrown around. She knows I hate mess I don't understand why she didn't just ring me and ask I'm sure she could have been out and on her flight by now.

"They are in my bedside table draw, what the hell have you done to my room?" I practically shouted the last part of my sentence. She looked up from what she was doing and blinked a couple of times before replying

"I haven't done anything to your room!"

"You haven't done anything, YOU haven't done anything!" I yelled back at her pointing dramatically to the mess she had created that was splattered around my room. She pulled my straighteners out of the draw and pushed past me shoving me into the door. You would think she was more my sister than my mother its annoying people expect her to look after you but sometimes I feel like I take care of her more. I turned to face her as I leant on the door. "Why couldn't you just ring me instead of making it look like there was a small explosion?" She had by now put the straighteners in one of her bags and was making sure she had her plane tickets.

"I was in a rush okay now just quit it! I don't see what the big problem is" Oh I couldn't believe this I'm always the one who gets screamed at if I move something and don't put it back yet when she does it, it's perfectly okay.

"Well I see that whenever I move something out of its place I get yelled at but when you do it its fine! Well I'll tell you something it isn't fine because it means that while you're off swanning around LA in the sunshine I'm going to be cleaning the mess you made!" I ranted at her

"Well you know what I'm only going to LA for you! So we can live a better life seen as its somewhere that I might fine a decent paying job that will be able to support us both!" She retaliated "And stop acting like such a spoiled bitch!" That was it my temper blew I just couldn't hold the feelings in any longer

"Me a spoiled bitch! Really and who brought me up that way because I'm sure there was no one else bringing me up but you and you know what the way you act it seems like I'm the parent around here and you're the bratty fucking teenager. I can't wait for you to fucking leave you know maybe go looking for a house of my own to get out of your life for good!" I screamed and slammed my bedroom door. I collapsed onto my bed finally letting my emotions get the better of me and letting them seep out through my eyes as tears. They seemed to spill out like the words I had said to my mum. She just annoyed me so much how could she call me a spoiled bitch when she was the one who brought me up like this it's not like my dad was here to make it any different.

There was a light knock on my door "Ashley, look I'm leaving now and just wanted to say goodbye before I left but I guess I can't" I just lead there pushing my head further into my pillows. Her footsteps got quieter and quieter until they stopped and I heard the front door shut and more tears poured from my eyes.

When they finally stopped I jumped up and took a look at myself in the mirror, I look dreadful I thought to myself. I went to the bathroom and splashed cold water over my face to try and remove the tear marks that where left staining my cheeks pink. As I headed back to my room I glanced at the clock it was 6:45 everyone will be here soon. My wardrobe was open and half the contents still spilling out onto the floor. I picked up some joggers off the floor and slipped them on with a blue vest top and my fluffy blue bed socks that looked like little cupcakes if you looked at the bottom.

The doorbell rang and I jogged over it was Beth, Helen and her little sister. I gave them all a hug as they entered even if Helen's little sister did object. "Hey am so sorry I got stuck with this brat tonight" I couldn't help but laugh as Helen always got stuck babysitting her little sister even though she was 17 and Helen was 20. I just didn't get why her mum felt the need to make Steph go with Helen everywhere. They all dumped their bags onto the floor pulling out a blanket each and a couple of films and placing them on a pile in the middle of the table.

"What drinks do you want to start off with?" I asked standing with my head in the fridge.

"Err let's just start with the cola or lemonade then we can get the bad boys out later" Beth said with a light chuckle. I got out the bottles of lemonade and cola and placed them on the table with a couple of glasses. There were bowls already out ready for the popcorn, sweets and crisps to be emptied out into. The doorbell rang again but Steph answered it this time I could just hear the faint voice of Ellen I smiled I was so glad she could make it tonight. When she got in the room me Beth and Helen where already sitting down on top of the ever growing pile of blankets on the couch. We all greeted Ellen and she placed her DVDs on the pile in the centre of the table then sat down with us on top of the blankets.

I was about to get up to cook the popcorn when the doorbell rang again. "Who could that be we are all here aren't we…?" Ellen said looking around at the other girls who's expressions mirrored hers.

"Well there are four more people" I couldn't help but smile as I knew who was knocking at my door now. I opened it to be greeted by James grinning wildly at me holding something out in his hands. My eyebrows furrowed together in confusion

"It's for you for your birthday" I looked between James and the object lying in his hands again. He pushed his hands out a little more towards me signalling me to take it so I did.

"James my birthday was last month there's no need" I said trying to give it back to him but he hid his hands behind his back making it impossible for me to give it back. I gave up and just opened it.

When I did it was a black box when I opened it my eyes nearly fell out of their sockets, "James it's beautiful!" I exclaimed inside the box was a silver necklace with a delicate little dragonfly charm on it, the wings filled in with some sort of pearl looking stone.

"I know I'm sorry it's nothing special but I just thought because it is your birthday night type thing then I have to get you something" He took it out of my hands and fastened it around my neck. Fixing the little charm so it was sat perfectly on my chest it was just long enough for me to see when I looked down. I couldn't help but smile I hardly knew him yet he still felt the need to get me such a beautiful gift he really was as perfect as I imagined.

When I looked up at him again I noticed that there were four guys stood behind him looking over his shoulders. I knew three of them they were Kendall, Logan and Carlos James band mates but I had no idea who the other guy was. "James thank you so much please come in! ohh an you lot behind him as well" I stepped to the side a little to allow them all in the introduced themselves to me before they stepped in they were so polite! James walked straight over to the girls I could see them all huddled up together on the couch whispering to each other smiling wildly. Logan was the next to step in

"Hey am Logan nice to meet you… Ashley isn't it?"

"Hey Logan an yup that's my name, just make yourself at home everyone else does" He held out his hand so I shook it before he was shoved in the back by Carlos I couldn't help but laugh

"Hey I'm Carlos nice place you got here"

"Hi an thanks I guess but it's not my house it's my mums" He nodded before following Logan and James inside he really was full of energy just like he was on the show. "I' guessing your Kendall" who was one of the two guys left stood by the door he smiled and nodded "Good glad I got that right please come in" He hesitated before stepping inside

"Ohh I hope you don't mind this is my friend Dustin, I asked him to come because I didn't want him being left alone in the hotel" his tone very apologetic

"Don't worry about it the more the merrier I say, nice to meet you Dustin please come in and make yourself comfortable" I said as I shook his hand and closed the door behind him.

So it was official everyone was here my film night can begin!

Once we all sorted out where we were sitting. I was sitting next to James leaning against the couch facing the TV all the girls were sat next to me and all of the others were sat next to James. We were all snuggled up covered by the many blankets people had brought and some of my own. I pressed play on the remote and everyone went quiet and turned their attention towards the film that was playing. We had chosen to put The Lovely Bones on it was a bit depressing for the first film but everyone decided it would be better to get them out of the way first then to watch all of the good ones last.

The film had ended and Beth was arguing with everyone over the next film while I was getting everyone more drinks. I had decided to bring out the alcohol now I was already bored with the lemonade and cola. I walked in with 5 bottles of beer for the guys and a big bottle of vodka for us girls. I placed them on the table and began pouring the girls a vodka and coke. "Hey guys there is a bottle of beer on the table for each of use, girls do you want them strong?" All of the girls said strong apart from Steph who still couldn't handle drink while the guys looked at me blankly "Don't tell me you lot don't drink…" I stated

"What no we do its just were normally not offered it by 19 year olds…" Kendall said while Logan just shrugged and grabbed two bottles and gave one to Carlos and kept one for himself

"I'm not complaining" He said as James leant forward and grabbed his bottle

"You don't have to drink it if you don't want, there is other stuff in the kitchen we are all legal here so there's no problem" I said with a smile as I carried on pouring the coke into the vodka.

"No I do want it am just saying I just… ohh what the hell" He finally caved in grabbing the remaining bottles giving one to Dustin and keeping one for himself. I was finished with our drinks and was now sat back in my previous seat next to James.

"Everyone ready for the next film?" Everyone nodded as I pressed play on the remote. I didn't have a clue what film they had chosen but turns out it was Dear John. _Great just what I need to be seen crying at a stupid film by the coolest bunch of guys I will ever meet!_ I didn't bother to change the film I just had to try and swallow the lump that formed in my throat as he read the letter to his father. It's just I couldn't hold it down any longer and a single tear trickled down my cheek which I managed to wipe away before anyone noticed. Only to be followed by more tears as the characters father died and it was his funeral only this time I couldn't do nothing to hide them no matter how hard I tried. James turned to me his expression looked worried

"Hey are you okay?" I smile at him

"Yeah am fine it's just… the film" He looked at me then the film then back at me.

"Ohh yea it's pretty sad like" I couldn't help but let little laugh escape my lips he looked at me as if I was mad "What… do I have something on my face…" He said wiping around his mouth with the sleeve of his jumper

"No its just… I never thought that you James Maslow would find a film like this sad…" He sighed

"Really and why is that then" He asked sarcastically I just shook my head and turned back to watch the rest of the film. Only to find that once I was fully engrossed in it again tears were streaming down my face as I wiped them away again I felt something around my shoulders. I looked to my right to find a arm draped around my neck and the hand playing with the tips of my hair. I followed the arm till I was looking at who it belonged to. I was James' arm…

**A/N. so I hope you enjoyed that chapter I'm currently writing then next one as I post this and hopefully it should be up tomorrow or really late tonight but there are no promises, another bit of useless information I rode Toby the other day and I felt really special just because he is in my story :D everyone down my yard doesn't get how happy it made me when I got told I was riding him and why I write stuff they think its boring when its not they also say its a waste of time 'cause no one will read it... Please prove them wrong and review.. **


	10. C9 A Kiss And Pizza

**A/N. I'm so so so so sorry I haven't updated in forever! Please forgive me I know its dragging on a little but I'm trying to build their relationship up but I'm going to try and get the ball fully rolling in the next chapter :D So yeah it might be a but better than this one but enjoy anyway...**

He didn't even notice me looking at him I think he was subconsciously doing it but I wasn't complaining it was really cute. I couldn't help but shuffle closer to him it made me feel safe and secure. Like all of my problems with my mum, the memories the haunt me and my cutting could melt away. I have never felt this way with anyone before. When the film finished there was a loud grumble _someone's hungry_ I thought to myself I looked around to see if I could figure out who's stomach made the bizarre noise. Out of the corner of my eye I spotted Carlos clutching his stomach and telling it to shh. I couldn't help but laugh "You hungry Carlos?" I managed to say through the giggles. Everyone turned to look at him his face turning slightly pink.

"Yea just a bit" His voice timid and shy

"Well how 'bout we order some pizzas or burgers?"

"Yea think that would be a good idea if we are to get through the next film without and growls" Logan said I just smiled and went to get up to see if I could find any take away leaflets when I noticed the girls looking at me with huge grins on their faces. That's when I remembered James still had his arm wrapped around my shoulders. I tried to get up even quicker but tripped over one of the blankets but luckily I didn't fall flat on my face like I expected I managed to regain my balance and walk out of the room as quickly as possible.

I was looking through the endless take away leaflets when I finally found the one I was looking for. As I turned around James caught my eye standing in the middle of everyone. He looked like he was pouring out drinks _well someone feels at home_ I thought to myself I have no idea why it just popped into my head I was glad he felt at home. "Hey do you lot want another beer or something else?" I asked as I was stood in the doorway watching everyone chatting and getting along.

"Do you mind if we have some of that with use we aren't big fans of beer" Dustin spoke for what felt like the first time tonight. I couldn't help but smile they were all so sweet and polite

"It's fine, here's the leaflet" I handed the leaflet to the guys because I already know what Beth Helen Steph and Ellen would want. "Girls the usual?" They nodded their heads like the toy dogs you can get to put in your car. I laid myself of the sofa behind Kendall, Logan Carlos and Dustin leaning my head on Logan's shoulder as he examined the menu. "James do me a favour since your standing go into the kitchen and get another bottle out of the fridge and then come see what you want. See anything you want?" Logan turned quickly and smiled

"I'll just have a burger"

"Okay, Kendall what did you want?"

"I'll have a meat feast pizza it sounds nice" My eyes must have exploded "What?" He asked innocently

"It's nothing but you have never had a meat feast pizza?" He shook his head I couldn't believe he had never had a meat feast pizza before. My thoughts quickly changed back to James he was taking a long time to get a bottle out of the fridge. "James have you found Narnia in my fridge?" He walked back into the room he was apparently the only one who didn't find it funny… "What's up?" I was slightly confused he went out happy and come back unhappy

"Ohh just the whole contents of your fridge nearly fell on my head" Clearly being sarcastic

"Humm yeah maybe I should sort it out, but are you okay? I didn't even hear a crash" I remembered how much of a mess the fridge was when I went shopping I just piled stuff on top instead of putting it in its place.

"Yeah you really should, ohh I managed to catch it before it made it to the floor"

"I would but I dislike cleaning life's too short to be organised!" I felt like a little kid being forced to clean their room. Beth's head snapped up from the conversation she glared at me but then softened into a smug smile. I knew that I had used one of Kendall's famous quotes I only did it to see what their reaction would be.

"I say that!" Kendall exclaimed

"I know" I looked at Beth who was laughing "She taught me well" Causing her to laugh more

"Who's 'she'" Kendall asked confused probably thinking he was sitting in a room full of stalkers

"Beth" I only had to say the B in her name for her to put her head down and try to hid from us even if we could still see the top of her head. 'Ohh' Kendall mimed then told us to be quiet as he got up and walked towards Beth who was still covering herself with the blanket. He walked right around the back of the couch behind her and jumped behind her causing her to scream and reveal her face as she was struggling to get out of his grip. Everyone else including me was sitting laughing at her struggling.

After 5 minutes of her struggling she gave up and just led back leaning against his chest. I couldn't help but think how cute they would be together. "Okay so does everyone know what they want before it gets too late to order" There was a chorus of yeps yeahs and an a yupp. "Carlos what are you having?"

"I'll have a cheese pizza please"

"Sure, James?"

"Erm… I'll have a Hawaiian please no mushrooms"

"Ooo nice choice" I couldn't help but smile at how we like the same pizzas "Beth-Meat feast pizza Helen-Cheese burger Ellen-Cheese pizza Steph-Kebab" I said it out loud for no reason other than to make a mental note to myself. "Oh Dustin what are you having?" he was so quiet I almost forgot about him I'm so glad I didn't though.

"What's the kebab made with?"

"It's lamb in a pitta bread with salad an sauce" Steph interrupted me before I could even start, kebabs had to be her favourite food even though she refused to have them more than once a week. She blushed slightly as she smiled at him

"I'll try one of them then" I nodded and walked to grab the house phone off the stand. I could hear them all chatting and laughing.

I ordered our food the man on the other end said it would take 10 minutes. When I walked back into the living room everyone was sat boy girl in a circle with the table pushed off to one side. I couldn't help but be confused as I went and sat in-between James and Carlos. "What are you lot doing now?" I sounded a little annoyed even though I wasn't.

"Were going to play spin the bottle while we are waiting for the food" Ellen explained "There is no point in starting the next movie and we have a empty bottle of vodka sitting there so yeah we are playing spin the bottle, an yes I do know you hate these games but you're not getting out of this one"

"Ohh but-" I wined only to be cut off by Beth

"No buts we ARE playing"

"Urgg only if it's okay with everyone else" I really did hate these games I always felt ashamed

"Actually I don't even know how to play" Carlos spoke up

"Well what you do is take it in turns to spin the bottle and whoever it lands on you have to kiss for 5 seconds-" Beth started only to be cut off by Helen

"And if it lands back on you then you have to pick someone on your right or your left but if it lands on you another time then you have to go to the person you didn't kiss before" I smiled I was glad I sat next to James now I would have an excuse to pick him as he was on my left and that was my favourite side.

"Okay I that's simple" Carlos stated I couldn't help but laugh I thought it was simple to but apparently the others thought it was a great way to pass the time. With that everyone said that Steph should go first as she was the one who suggested playing the game in the first place. Her spin landed on Dustin. She smiled sweetly at him but Dustin looked nervous she crawled around the circle until she was in front of him and placed a kiss on his lips. When they pulled away they looked at each other longingly. Once again I couldn't help but think how adorable they would be together. They both had brown hair that was a little wavy at the tips. I was snapped out of my thoughts by someone punching my shoulder I turned to see who it was but I was met by a pair of lips touching mine. They were soft and gentle which made me relax a little I still didn't know who it was and I didn't want to open my eyes to look because I knew all the others would be looking. When the person pulled away I quickly opened my eyes to see it was Logan. I smiled sweetly towards him before he crawled back towards where he was sat. We carried on around the circle until it reached James. He spun the bottle around as he had a stupid grin on his face. His turn landed back on himself.

"Ohh you would be the first one wouldn't you" I joked

"Ohh thanks" He said back sarcastically

"Well who you going to pick buddy…" Kendall said probably thinking he was preventing a argument

"Erm I don't know…" I couldn't help but smile… As he shuffled nervously in his seat

"Come on you have to pick someone"

"Stop pressuring me! I don't like it" He wined

"We aren't this is the whole idea of the game so just pick someone" Carlos said getting irritated by the looks of things

"Alright then close your eyes and I shall pick someone" Everyone rolled their eyes at his stupid behaviour but I couldn't help but think it was cute at how he was ashamed to pick someone in front of everyone else.

"Fine everyone shut your eyes!" I demanded people soon stopped with their protests and shut their eyes. I couldn't help but keep mine open a little just to peek who he kissed.

"Including you" He whispered in my ear I signed and shut them as tight as I could

"Happy now…"

"Yeah" I could hear the others getting restless probably impatient.

"Have you kissed someone yet…" It sounded like Steph but I couldn't quite work it out

"No hold on one minute" I heard James say back but it sounded as if he was in front of me rather than next to me. Then I felt a pair of soft lips touch mine almost as softly as they had when we were at the riding school but this time I couldn't help but smile and return the kiss. Making it more passionate he traced his tongue along my lower lip but I refused and kept my lips sealed together teasing him. When we pulled away I opened my eyes to find everyone else looking at me and James who was now sat in front of me with his legs either side on me. I couldn't help but hold a smile across my face even when the blush set in on my cheeks I glanced at James as he scooted back next to me with his million dollar smile spread from ear to ear across his face.

"Now that you too love birds are finished let's carry on" Ellen said rudely I couldn't help but sigh with relief when the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it!" I skipped over to the door _well that wasn't awkward at all was it_ I couldn't help but think to myself that I felt something between us in that kiss then. I opened the door to find the delivery guy standing there with a handful of pizza boxes and a bag with other containers in. I handed him his money before heading inside. I put the boxes down on the table and started going through them to find out who box belonged to

"Erm has anyone else realised that these are big pizza not little ones…" Helen pointed out

"Ohh yeah well we will just have to share wont we, I don't mind if you don't mind James…" I turned knowing that we had the same pizza he looked at me dazed

"Umm yeah sure whatever"

"You okay?" I was a little concerned that he was in such a day dreamy mood he was fine before.

"Yeah am fine just a little… hungry"

"Come on then let's get stuck in!" Carlos exclaimed and with that was all devoured our shared pizzas. A couple of times me and James would grab for the same piece of pizza and our hands would crash into each other causing us to randomly giggle as we had a mini hand war over the piece of pizza even though the box was filled with plenty of other slices. Once everyone was finished I started taking the boxes out into the kitchen. I placed a couple down when more were placed on top. I turned to see Beth and Helen give me a sceptical look

"What?" They just looked at each other and I should have known what they were going to say

"You ask us what when we were the ones who should be asking you what the hell was that before!" Beth practically shouted in a whisper kind of tone if that is possible

"It was the game" I was trying to avoid the question because the truth is I really didn't know the answer either.

"That was more than the game Ashley and you know it!" Helen butted in

"Yeah come on you kissed for ages it was only meant to be 5 seconds" Beth said her tone a little more of a whisper now

"Well I guess we just got carried away that's all!" I sounded innocent even though I had no idea why

"Ohh okay then but that was more than just the game he likes you!" What they both thought James liked me don't be stupid you must have misunderstood

"He doesn't like me…" I said trailing off

"What he so does I mean how can you miss how he looks at you how he had his arm around you during that film befo-" I cut her off before she could finish

"Wait you saw that… I thought no one noticed" They both laughed at me

"Ohh come on even the guys noticed, not to mention the way you two were flirting when eating your pizza!" Ohh god they even noticed that. I thought they were all too busy eating their own food and talking to the other guys.

"You noticed that to then" They both nodded I couldn't help but shake my head at them. It felt like we were back at school sitting on the playground discussing which boys we liked and who talked to them first.

"So if you get to have a American guy then we can to" Beth said with a wink

"How did I never guess that you two would want to sit with Kendall and Logan" Beth had a huge crush on Kendall and Helen had a huge crush on Logan even since we started listening to their music a year or so back.

"Well go for it… I can't exactly stop you can I" With that they both skipped back towards the living room. As I predicted Beth was sat next to Kendall and Helen next to Logan but now everyone was sitting next to someone different. I took my place next to James where we had been sitting all night. "Shall we put then next film on?" everyone stayed silent and just nodded.

I pressed play only to find out it was the worst film they could have put on… The Strangers I was petrified of this film. I tried not to show it but I was even when it was showing the title of the film I started shaking. Usually I can watch scary films but this one didn't seem right I don't like anyone with a mask on to cover their faces. I could always imagine that I would turn out to be like that girl and end up being killed.

I managed to get through some of the film before I got really scared and ended up jumping at anything. Then one of the characters tries to get her through the door that pushed me to the limit I grabbed James' arm and hid my face with it as if it was a pillow. I shuffled closer to him to see if that would make me feel any safer but it didn't really. I could feel James chuckle every time I jumped and eventually he put his arm around me and whispered in my ear "Are you okay?" I looked up at him my eyes must have been filled with terror as he pulled my body closer to his

"Yeah I just don't like this film" He wrapped his other arm around my front as if cuddling me but he kept them there hooked around me. I soon relaxed and came to my normal senses that it was just a film and would never happen in real life.

I glanced around the room to see everyone else either sitting really close, laying close or using each other as pillows to either hide behind of lean on. I smiled tonight really was perfect so far. Suddenly my body felt heavy and tired I couldn't stop yawning "Lean on me and go asleep if you want" James whispered again into my ear I smiled up at him

"You sure" he nodded in reply and I sat up as he shuffled so he was laying down with his head properly on the pillows and he held his arms open for me to lean in. I placed my head on his chest and wrapped my arms around him. _Gosh he is so comfy, I could stay here in this moment forever! _It was truly perfect I could feel him tracing patterns into my arm what felt like swirls and stripes but I couldn't be bothered to open my eyes to look. Soon I felt the sleep take over me and before I knew it I was in a deep sleep cuddling up to someone I never thought I would meet yet alone spend any time with.

**A/N. So what did you all think? Hope you liked it anyway so as I say am going to try and make the next chapter more interesting, also I was thinking of writing a one shot for each of the songs on the UK edition of the album so let me know if you would enjoy or be interested in reading them let me know on either here, my tumblr (.com/) or twitter (/#!/Ashley_TW_) Thank you for reading and I love each one of you for just spending a little of your time reading it 3**


	11. C10 Bacon

**A/N. Soo sorry again for the late update i've been writing it really slowly and debating with myself weather to continue or to just leave it and start a new one but I guess ill just carry on with this one... enjoy**

I could hear the faint sound of voices whispering "How cute are they" I couldn't quite work out who it was but it was either Steph or Helen their voices sounded the same especially when you are still groggy from sleep.

"They are really adorable" This time it was a male voice it was defiantly Logan who spoke I was wide awake now after straining myself to work out whose voices they were. I kept my eyes closed and cuddled even further into James who still had his arms wrapped around me tightly.

"I love how everyone ended up pairing themselves up last night" Dustin spoke a little louder than everyone else. I wonder who he ended up next to last night, probably Steph I knew Beth would be with Kendall, Logan with Helen and Ellen with Carlos which only left Dustin and Steph unless they didn't bother to move after we all did. I really wanted to know who was awake and who was still asleep but sitting here listening to their conversation was far more interesting.

"I know not surprised though these girls are awesome!" Kendall said in a chirpy tone. There were faint shuffling of feet and the sound of the kitchen door being opened.

"So who can cook? 'cos to tell the truth am terrible!" Helen's voice sounded a little distant but I figured she was standing in the kitchen

"James can, he does the most awesome breakfasts!" Carlos sounded excited at the thought of having a cooked breakfast

"Ohh yeah Carlos I can really cook breakfast laying here" I didn't even know he was awake. The vibrations of his chest as he spoke made me giggle giving me up and forcing me to open my eyes. "Morning sleepy" James said softly I smiled sweetly

"Morning" Aww his little sleepy bed head hair is adorable his fringe pushed back and little bits sticking up,_ why is he so perfect even when he wakes up! _Okay so there is no denying he is pretty perfect and I think I'm starting to fall for him…

"Sleep well?" Carlos asked with a wink, I raised my eyebrows at him seen as Ellen was slightly cuddled up to him.

"Fantastic thanks" I replied sarcastically to which James chuckled "How did you sleep?" I asked him tilting my head towards him

"Err okay I guess" Known me I probably kicked and punched him half to death luckily there was no sign of damage.

"Sure I didn't kick or punch you…"

"No but you screamed down my ear a couple of times" he said half-heartedly rubbing his ear for emphasis

"Well you shouldn't put your head so close to my mouth then" even if he didn't have a choice

"Well excuse me, who's the one who was lying on my chest last night?"

"Me…" I said quietly realising that everyone was now watching us acting childish "Now who wants breakfast?" I quickly managed to say trying to change the subject but it didn't work

"Don't try and change the subject" he was now poking me in the sides with his fingers and tickling me. "But I am hungry…" he continued to tickle me

"Well… Let… Me… Get… Up… And… Cook… It…" I squealed in between gasping for breath and fighting a losing battle with James

"No! I want to cook and Kendall can help" James wined with big puppy dog eyes

"Fine but only if Kendall agrees to cook…" I glanced at Kendall who shook his head as James was giving him the same puppy eyes

"Okay I agree" Carlos whooped

"These guys cook a mean breakfast!" Everyone just laughed at him

"Carlos all as you think about is food!" Logan said exasperated

"So you got a problem with that?" Carlos started getting defensive until Ellen whispered something in his ear which probably was something along the lines of _well I think you're perfect just the way you are an am hungry anyway just ignore him_

"No no just stating" it was hard to believe these guys where actually still in my apartment. James and Kendall went out into the kitchen and guessing from the noise had started cooking already. It smelled good I couldn't help but go and have a look. Me and Beth stood in the door watching the two men waltzing round the kitchen

"Smells good" Beth whispered in my ear

"Yupps" I couldn't take my eyes off James wondering what he was doing to the bacon "James… What are you doing to the bacon" it was in pieces in the pan and didn't look that nice but it smelled good

"Well cooking it duuhh" he said in an obvious tone "It's not like the bacon we have back home"

"Want some help…" He looked over from the pan and nodded sheepishly. When I reached the cooker the bacon didn't look too bad just a little crispy to say the least. I helped myself to a piece out of the pan which was burning my mouth. "Ahh hot hot hot!" I shouted as I fanned my tongue with my hand. James grabbed me by my waist and pulled me closer

"That's what you get for robbing my bacon!" he told me

"Well it's not robbing if you have some too!" I said as I stuffed a piece into his mouth.

"You know your English bacon is actually quite good" smiling contently as he chewed on it

"Ohh you know it's better than your American bacon" I found myself staring into his beautiful hazel eyes for what seemed like forever. Until we were interrupted by Kendall and Beth making sick noises from the other side of the kitchen copying the way me and James were standing. "Ohh shut up you too" I pulled away from James and grabbed a plate tipping the bacon onto it. "James go give this to Carlos, Logan, Dustin.., whoever wants it to be honest"

"Okay" He jogged into the others and handed them the plate I heard Carlos say

"Where's the real bacon around here?" and everyone laughed

"Carlos this is the bacon in England" Logan explained

"Just try it its nice" Helen said

I placed more bacon into the pan making sure I didn't burn it when there were a pair of muscular arms wrapped around me preventing me from moving the top of my arms. I tried to reach for the handle but couldn't reach so instead I turned around to face the only person it was bound to be… James. I looked up at him again staring into those hazel eyes which seemed to search every part of your mind. We stayed like that for a while but then he place a sweet kiss on my lips he pulled away quickly and mumbled "Sorry" as he went to walk away, I grabbed his arm and turned him back around to face me.

"What are you sorry for?" I asked him in a soft voice still not letting the thought of the cooking food escape my mind

"For… for kissing you…" he trailed off seeming embarrassed I couldn't believe it. The James Maslow feeling ashamed for kissing someone…

"Well don't be" I pulled him closer wrapping my arms around his neck and placing another kiss on his lips to which he returned. When we pulled I noticed that the sleeve of my shirt had ruffled up a little revealing some of my scars. I turned quickly hoping James wouldn't notice and I tried to pull my sleeve down at the same time. It didn't work he grabbed my wrist studying the lines and words permanently embedded in my skin. He looked at me his eyes full of confusion.

"Your arms" he stated "those scars" he seemed a little taken back by how many I had he lifted the sleeve of my other arm to reveal fresh wounds from the other night when my mum and I had yet another argument. He pulled both sleeves down and wrapped his arms around me "I'm sorry" he whispered in a quiet voice. I felt a single tear roll down my cheek he is the only person who has told me they are sorry when they have seen my scars. Like I said before most people just say I'm attention seeking or call me emo but I promise I'm not. "Why do you cut?" he asked but I couldn't open up to him right now not while everyone was here. I turned back to the cooker and started hopelessly staring the contents

"I don't want to talk about it right now" my voice sounded blank and lifeless

"That's fine in your own time" Wow he was taking this well he just found out my biggest secret that some of my friends don't even know. I plated up the food and handed everyone their plates as everyone sat and talked I remained silent I couldn't speak right now I was debating with myself what to do… do I tell James and risk him telling someone else or do I just act normal and hope he forgets about it.

When everyone had finished eating we were sitting watching the TV. "So…" Ellen said we all looked at her

"So what?" I asked slightly confused

"Well I don't want to sit here all day the weather looks great"

"Erm well what do you want to do" Steph asked

"I don't know we could go the beach or the park just not sit indoors all day"

"Ooo there is a beach around here?" James asked suddenly all of the boys looked very interested

"Yeah it's not the best and you have to get the train for a little while but yeah there's a beach" I answered

"Can we go?" Dustin asked I nodded

"Yeah we'll have to get ready now though" Beth told us as she took out her phone and began to type "I'll book some train tickets" I smiled and got up to clear the plates helped by James obviously. I placed the plates into the sink and turned to speak to James

"You guys can use the bathroom to get changed in or there is a spare room next to mine" I told him with a smile.

"Sure I can't wait to go the beach haven't been since we left home"

"It's really not that good" It was cute at how happy he looked at the fact we are going to the beach

"I'm sure it will be great!" He smiled a little before walking back into the living room with me behind him

"Hey well me an the girls are going to get ready so you guys can get ready in the bathroom down there or the spare room down there" I pointed in the directions or both rooms before waltzing off to my room.

I picked out my little denim shorts and a floral vest top with my gladiator sandals I thought the outfit looked pretty and it would keep me cool too as well as trying to catch a little bit of a tan. Once I had changed and put my hair into a messy bun I started to do my makeup. I didn't put much on because I knew it would come off anyway but I had to cover the scars on my arms. By the time I had done one arm I didn't have any foundation left but I know mum has some packed away I just hope she hasn't took it all with her. I ran into her room trying to go unnoticed which worked until I ran straight into someone coming out from the spare room. I looked up to see it was Logan who was only a little taller than me. "I'm so sorry" I said in a rush trying to hide my arm that still had visible scars all over it.

"It's fine don't worry I should have been looking where I was going, how come your in a rush?" his eyebrows pulled together

"To get my makeup"

"Why we're going the beach…"

"I always put makeup on when we go the beach…" I said trailing off I wonder if they wear makeup in America to go the beach

"Ohh okay but you know you don't need any makeup"

"Thanks…" with that he walked away I sighed and carried on into my mums room. I pulled open the draw grabbing a bottle of foundation and running back to my room. When I pushed the door open Beth was sat on my bed looking through my camera. "What are you doing?" I asked confused she looked up at me and smiled

"I was thinking we could take some pictures today but none of us have a camera so I thought I would use yours"

"Okay but you need to put the pictures that are already on it onto my laptop it's in the kitchen" I said standing out of the way of the door indicating that she should go that way. Once again I sat on my bed in front of my mirror covering my arm in foundation slowly fading the visible scars. Finally you could only see the faintest line if you looked closely and I was fine with that so I grabbed my big beach bag and stuffed it with a couple of towels and some sun cream putting my glasses on my head and pushing them back to hold my hair in place. I looked myself over in the mirror and smiled I looked unusually summery normally I would have a pair of leggings on and a long sleeve top or something similar. I looked myself over one last time before heading into the living room where everyone was sitting. "Everyone ready?"

"No wait! I want a picture of us all before we go" Beth shouted rushing in from the kitchen where she must have been on my laptop. She placed the camera on the side and told us all to get in a big line. Once she had took some group pictures and some other random pictures we headed out the door towards what I shall describe as the best beach day ever!

**A/N. So I hope you enjoyed :) Writing the next part as we speak waiting for the X Factor to come on :D Its in my home town Liverpool tonight so cant wait to see what talent we have from here... :S So yeah hope you like review or use my tumblr (.com/) or twitter. (/#!/Ashley_TW_) Thanks 3**


	12. C11 Chocolate Brownies

**A/N. Well I'm sorry this is quite late being posted there is a reason I haven't posted in while. One-I got my results back the other day and I got a C in my english exam so I was kind of doubting my writing but then I got some lovely reviews which made me want to write more and for that I have to say thank you, you have done more than made me post you have boosted my confidence when it was at the lowest. Two-This chapter took forever to write, I mean FOREVER! :S **

When we arrived at the station our train was already waiting there so we got on and grabbed the best seat available. I was sat at the table seat next to the window with Beth, Helen and Ellen. While Kendall, James, Logan and Carlos took the other table seat leaving Steph and Dustin to find a seat of their own. We were all chattering about random things mainly for us four what we were going to say to the owner of the farm we were meant to be working today but none of us wanted to go in today. I called dibs on the 'I wasn't well' excuse which left the others to debate loudly amongst themselves. "Please remain seated while the train is leaving the platform" the driver announced over the speaker "Members of staff will be around shortly with refreshments" After he finished the train began to slowly pull away from the station causing cheers from further down the carriage which I am guessing was a hen party,

"Off we go!" Steph shouted from the seat behind me. I turned my attention back to Beth, Helen and Ellen who were discussing who the best pony is at the riding school.

"Gully is the best he's a gentle giant" Helen argued. She wasn't wrong about that he was the biggest at the yard standing at 17hh which is extremely tall!

"No Carlo is the best!" Beth argued back

"Well I'm sorry but I have to say that Toby is the best! His face is adorable and his mane and tail are to die for!" I said. We argued for over half an hour until Ellen interrupted us

"Look I haven't ever been to this riding school right but I'm sure all these horses are the best" We all stopped and looked at her judging by her expression she was about to pull her hair out. Ellen has always been the more mature one out of us both and she still is in comparison to the friends I have made in London.

"No Gully is!" Helen tried to argue back but Ellen glared at her

"Ashley hasn't James been to this riding school?" I nodded I'm slightly shocked she had remembered me telling her that or it could have been the fact I had a picture on the front of my phone of me and James cuddling Toby. "Well let's ask him" I couldn't help but smile seeing as he told me that the best horse there was Toby. "James" Ellen shouted startling him a little

"Huh?" He looked around until he spotted Ellen waving at him

"Who do you think the best horse is at the riding school?" all eyes were now on James waiting for his answer

"Erm I don't know Toby I suppose…" I couldn't help but smile

"HA! See Toby is the best" I said triumphantly slumping back into my chair grabbing my iPod and phone out of my bag. I put my headphones in to pass what we had left of the journey until my phone went off

**1 New Text Message – James**

**Oyyy you! What you listening to? Must be better than the conversation I'm in right now…**

I smiled a little knowing that he could have come over to talk to me but he text me instead I glanced around to see who he was talking to and replied

**Ohh nothing unusual you know just the one and only Big Time Rush… ;) why what's Carlos talking about now?**

I turned around to see what Steph and Dustin were doing only to find Steph asleep on his shoulder and him asleep with his head on hers. They looked adorable I grabbed the camera off the table in front of me and took a picture of them sleeping. Last night really must have taken its toll on the two younger members of the group. My phone vibrated again and I didn't even bother to look who it was from I already knew.

**Ohh are you now maybe I should be the one singing to you ;) he's talking about super heroes…**

I giggled a little knowing that Carlos would be talking about something as childish as that but still it's a good topic to pass the time I suppose. I was about to reply when I spotted a tall lady only a couple of years older than me heading our way with a trolley full of refreshments. I took out my headphones just as she reached our tables. "Would you like anything? Tea, coffee maybe some biscuits" I scanned my eyes over what was there.

"Tea please an erm… some custard creams" my favourite biscuit she made my tea and placed it on the table in one of those funny paper cups with a lid on it and handed me my biscuits. She took all of the girls orders and then turned around to James, Kendall, Logan and Carlos sitting on the other table. I could see her shocked expression in the glass of the window behind where James was sitting. I couldn't believe it she was totally star struck opening and closing her mouth but no words were coming out, I had to stifle a giggle before it escaped my lips and by the look on the guys faces it was clear they were having the same trouble as me. Finally she spoke stuttering,

"Oh my gosh you're Big Time Rush right?" They guys just laughed and nodded "W-w-would you l-l-like anything?" she finally got out

"I'll take four coffees and four digestives please" spoke Logan probably trying to get rid of the star struck woman.

"Sure" she handed them their biscuits and coffees

"How much is that then?" Helen asked politely

"Ohh don't you guys pay we will!" Logan insisted

"No" Helen protested she never did like people paying for her

"Yes!" Logan said in a _I shall win this _tone

"Hey look don't worry about it you don't need to pay I'll do it on the house just call it complimentary" the lady interrupted their argument I smiled and nodded

"Thanks" I said trying to get rid of her but I was kind of grateful that they were free all the refreshments were expensive on this train. The woman just waved to the boys and walked away pushing her trolley into the next carriage. James let out a frustrated sigh as she left and I remembered I never text him back so I typed on my Blackberry keyboard as fast as I could

**Sorry I didn't reply back I wanted a cup of tea and then that woman… Gosh she was a little star struck wasn't she…**

I started up a random conversation with Beth until I heard a muffled noise. I looked around the carriage to the other table where James, Kendall, Logan and Carlos were sat but they were sat in silence Logan watching Carlos on a game, Kendall listening to music on his phone as the same with James. I wrinkled my face confused as to what the noise was until I heard it again but this time it sounded like it was behind me. As I turned and peered through the gap between the chairs looking at Steph and Dustin my eyes grew wide to what I saw. They were kissing. My jaw must of hit the floor because I turned around to look at the others completely stunned I didn't think that Steph would kiss someone she only met yesterday. I poked Beth who was sat next to me and pointed to the gap. She looked through then looked back at me eyes wide she then started to wave silently trying to get Helen and Ellen's attention but also gaining the attention of everyone else. She pointed behind us and everyone turned to look at them earning awe's and a loud cough from Kendall and Helen. Guessing Kendall only coughed because he thought of Dustin like a younger brother and Helen because Steph was her sister. The pair broke apart to look at everyone who immediately returned to doing what they were trying to act innocent. "Ohh come on guys!" Wined Dustin while Steph hid her face from the disapproving looks coming from Helen through the gap in the chairs

"Dude you were sucking her face off, no offence but it was gross!" Kendall said

"I didn't complain last night with you and Beth did I…" He said trailing off probably thinking that he shouldn't have said that. I looked at Beth who was wide eyed and blushing like crazy looking at Kendall who mouthed _I'm sorry_ to her

"Dude just shut up look out of the window or something" Kendall said slightly annoyed. I guessed just by the way he was annoyed that he had a little thing for Beth it was cute they really suited both blond haired even if Beth had died it a couple of years ago but now it was back blond. I could also tell by the way he just looks at her and the way she looks at him, like right now both looking at each other seemingly lost in each other's eyes. Behind Kendall I could see James laughing at his phone and then typing. I looked around at Logan and Carlos they were in full conversation with Helen and Ellen. I started listening to their conversation not really putting much effort trying to understand what it was about but then again my phone went off pulling it out of my pocket I looked up at James who was smiling like a mad man.

**Nahh I'm used to it now I've had fan lick the windows of vans we travel in… now that's gross :') my legs hurt its too cramped sitting here -.-**

Once again his smile brought a smile to my face I replied

**Humm that is a little gross… but Steph and Dustin were cute I guess, well do you want to go on a walk am a little bored anyway**

I heard his phone vibrate as soon as I pressed the send button causing me to look up at him. He pressed a couple of buttons and smiled at me then whispered something to Kendall making him get up and stand to the side letting James get out. I asked Beth could I get out all I got from her was why… but she soon realised that James was standing to and moved out of the way and went to sit next to Kendall who started up a conversation with her immediately. I just shook my head and looked up at James who had his hand out for me to take obviously I took it and he lead me down the carriage and into another one were there was a little coffee stand. But before we got to the door separating the two I could hear whistles and woos coming from everyone

"Immature!" I shouted back at them

"It's the best way to be!" Carlos retaliated damn why did people have such good come backs!

"Idiots" I mumbled to myself not expecting James to hear me

"Ahem they are my friends you are talking about…" he said in a pretend hurt voice

"Hey they are mine to but they are still idiots" I defended as we walked towards the coffee stand with little tables with stools placed on the other side of the carriage.

"True, true… do you want anything?" I scanned the menu looking for something that sounded better than tea or coffee, finally laying my eyes on the hot chocolate and brownie mix. James spotted what I was looking at and ordered it and a coffee

"How much will that be?" He asked the lady behind the counter

"Nothing sir it's complimentary" she answered him simply; James just shrugged and grabbed the coffee, hot chocolate and brownie off the side and placing them on the table where I was sat. He sat down himself blowing on the hot coffee as I took little nibbles out of the brownie careful not to make it fall to pieces. I could see him watching me and looking at the rest of it in the wrapper.

"Do you want some?" I asked with a smug smile on my face knowing exactly what I was going to do if he said no

"No its yours" I shrugged and leaned across the table shoving a chunk of brownie in his mouth laughing.

"Good though right" still laughing at his expression as he chewed it

"Yeah"

"Want some more?" I asked playfully, he shook his head sensing what I was going to do next. As he suspected I shoved even more into his mouth almost falling off the stool laughing. "More?" I asked looking at the last piece I had in the wrapper.

"Err go on then" he said smugly opening his mouth waiting for me to place the chocolaty goodness inside. I picked the piece up and broke it into two placing one piece into my mouth and the other into his. We just sat smiling at each other for a while savouring the last bit of brownie in our mouths until the woman behind the counter spoke

"Awe aren't you two adorable!" I blinked looking at her then back at James he shrugged at me then we both burst out laughing. "Ohh aren't you two together?"

"Nope" James said trying to stop his laughter I felt like a little girl again laughing every time someone suggested being in a relationship but maybe just maybe I liked the thought of being in a relationship with James. Damn you thoughts keep to yourselves

"Ohh sorry the woman said you just look very cute together" she spoke again

"Were not together, I wi-" I broke off before I said something I would regret unfortunately James must have realised what I was going to say I tried to stay calm but the blood rushed to my face making me look like a tomato.

"Well you would be very lucky if you were with him, he looks like a real catch not to mention a stunner" I couldn't believe the words that came out of her mouth even if a part of me thought she was right. Now it was James turn to blush like a tomato grabbing my hand and dragging me off back to the previous carriage.

"Bye" I shouted back to the lady before the door shut. James slid into one of the double seats at the back of the carriage away from everyone else so I sat next to him. He still had hold of my hand I couldn't stop looking at the way our fingers intertwined and seemingly fitting perfectly. I glanced at his face he looked deep in thought and I didn't want to disturb him so I let myself get lost in my own thoughts. _Why did I have to go and say that! It's probably scared him now he might not even want to be friends with me he's only sitting with me so it doesn't look suspicious if we go back to the others and he's not talking to me. _He snapped me out of my thoughts by mumbling something I looked at him looking at every detail of his face properly his stunning hazel eyes, his slightly pink cheeks everything.

"Did you mean what you said before?" I took a deep breath, I should have known this was coming

"Well I didn't exactly say it but uhh… y-yeah I guess so…" I stumbled over my words making a fool out of myself as always

"Really?" I nodded

"Yeah I mean who wouldn't like you, but I guess you will never like a girl like me I'm not as pretty as the girls you meet in Hollywood am I" I sighed tears threatening to spill from my eyes making me look down trying to get rid of them. Why did I feel like this I knew I had no chance with him and there I go with my feelings letting them get hope for nothing only to be brought right back down.

"Ashley your one of the nicest girls I've ever met! You're sweet, kind, caring and you _are_ beautiful" he said cupping my chin making me look him in the eye. I couldn't hold onto my tears any more letting a couple roll down my cheeks only to be wiped away by his thumb like a window wiper on a car. He started to pull my face close to his and placed his lips softly onto mine the kiss was sweet full of love and care not like the lust filled one of last night. Although he did trace my bottom lip with his tongue and I let him in. Our tongues roaming each other's mouths like it was a foreign planet exploring every inch our tongues met dancing together perfectly. We pulled apart I didn't want to open my eyes so I just stayed with our foreheads together for a little while. Finally I opened mine to find James looking at me smiling

"What?" I asked concerned

"Nothing you just looked so sweet like that" I blushed again damn I seemed to be doing that a lot today.

"Thanks I guess…" I couldn't really string together a complete sentence

"Come on let's go and sit with the others" I stood up this time offering him my hand he smiled and took it walking back down the carriage to where everyone was sitting. As we got closer I noticed that everyone had switched seats Beth was still seated next to Kendall but now Helen was sat next to Logan, Carlos next to Ellen and Steph and Dustin were still sat at in the same seats they were before. I smile "I should have known the would have moved seats" I whispered to James who just laughed

"Ohh well means I get to sit next to you" He smiled as he pushed me into the two empty seats where I was sitting before we got up. We got settled before anyone noticed we were back.

"Ohh you two are back finally, what were you doing?" Kendall asked

"We got some drinks and a snack" James answered truthfully leaving out the part of the woman and the whole confession part. "How long we got left?" He asked sensing everybody's boredom I was guessing we had been on the train for about an hour already.

"About 45 minutes" Carlos answered I wasn't expecting him to be the one keeping tabs on the time.

"Urgg we have been on this damn train for ever!" James let out a frustrated grown that's when a sudden feeling of tiredness washed over me I let out a yawn.

"Tell me about it" Carlos continued

"So what are we going to do when we get there?" James asked trying to everyone's mind off the long train journey

"I don't know make sandcastles" I suggested no matter what they say I _will_ make an awesome sandcastle! Everyone looked at me in disbelief

"Seriously Ashley… We're like 19 we don't make sandcastles" Ellen said shaking her head

"Well I WILL make a sandcastle moat and all!" I half shouted sounding a little like a 5 year old having a tantrum.

"Ohh do as you please but I'm going to be catching up on my tan" Ellen said I didn't bother to respond to that but turning my attention back to James who still looked a little startled by my childish outburst

"So what do you want to do then?" I asked snapping him out of his shocked state

"Er… I don't know go in the sea maybe" He smiled down at me "You going to come in?"

"Yeah sure…" Wait if I went in the sea it means my makeup will run off my arms revealing my scars "Wait I can't" I was ready to make up some lame excuse when Beth caught my eye she knew that I used to cut but she thinks that I have stopped well isn't she wrong!

"Ohh don't worry I'll get you in that water!" James had a determined face on I knew I wouldn't be able to stop him getting me in the water if he tried I just hoped that he would forget eventually. Another yawn escaped me reminding me that I was still tired after how late we all stayed up last night. "You tired?" I nodded "Here lean on me" He lifted his arm up and patted his chest with his other hand I leaned on him and cuddled in as he wrapped another arm around me. I closed my eyes for a while just letting them rest before someone spoke

"James she's really into you, you know…" Beth spoke quietly it sounded like everyone else was also asleep.

"I know…" I felt James arm wrap around me even tighter than before I couldn't help but smile a little knowing he knew was the nice "I'm into her too" I felt my heart rate speed up so fast I thought I would pass out.

"Just one thing yeah, don't do anything stupid…" ohh it would be Beth who had to go and sound like my mum even though I can't exactly hold it against her she's trying to protect me I suppose.

"Of course I wouldn't do anything to hurt her" With their little conversation over I decided to try and get a little nap in before we arrived at the beach.

**Time Skip-30 minutes later**

"Ashley come on were nearly at our stop" A soft voice woke me from my slumber. "Come on wakey, wakey sleepy head" James voice become clearer as he shook my shoulders gently. I could feel his side pressing against my arm so I poked him in the side were people are meant to be most ticklish and just my luck he was.

"Okay, okay I'm awake!" I said poking him again causing him to squirm in his seat I forgot that we were sitting with the others until there was an eruption of laughter. I looked at the others who had stupid grins on their faces still coupled together. Looking at everyone like this, while they were happy felt different I was used to seeing them over worked, tired, pissed but never normally this happy. It felt like my life was finally back to the way it should be finally getting rid of all the bad thoughts about my father. _Just don't even think about that ignorant bastard who caused you so much grief this is your day to be happy _I told myself this over and over my mind was right this way my day to be happy.

"Please will everyone remain seated the train is about to pull into the station" The driver said over the speaker. I sat up straight and grabbed all of our stuff off the table and stuffed it into my bag making sure nothing had fell on the floor. I looked out the window watching as the trees started to disappear and the concrete station rolled by. When the train came to a halt we started to get off and James hand managed to find mine again. I smiled I liked it when he held my hand I felt wanted, loved almost. We strolled down the long hill as the beach become clearer into view at the bottom. I looked at the others they were holding hands too apart from Steph and Dustin they had the camera taking pictures of everything they could the surroundings, us absolutely anything. I sighed again thinking more about how today is turning out to be more perfect than I imagined.

When we reached the soft sand the sun was still beaming making it hot under foot I slipped my sandals off placing them in my bag so they were poking out and moving my sun glasses so that I had them covering my eyes. The beach was a little busier than I had hoped but it was only little kids and a couple teenagers kissing and doing God knows what else. We walked along the beach a little till we got to an area that wasn't as noisy and placed our towels and stuff down. I laid back on my towel letting my skin absorb the sun's rays I watched as the boys removed any excess layers and run at full speed into the sea, laughing a little as they jumped back at the coldness of the water. I looked at Beth, Helen and Ellen who had already removed their tops showing off their bikini tops. "You joining us?" Beth asked I shook my head I wasn't ready just yet to show them the faint marks I couldn't cover up. "How come? You normal have a bikini top on" she didn't seem like she was pressuring me but I knew she could tell something was up.

"I'm just a little uncomfortable usually it's just us not a bunch of lads" I gestured towards the guys who were splashing each other in the water and tackling each other.

"Ohh I get it" She winked at me I shook my head at her then laid back again closing my eyes attempting to relax when I felt something wet dripping onto my head. I opened one eye looking at the guys who were standing above me with puppy dog eyes,

"What?" I asked them thinking the worst

"Were hungry pack any food?" Carlos asked still giving me the puppy dog eyes.

"Yeah its in the bag but leave some for me am starving" I stated as I sat up watching them scramble over to the bag each pulling out a little bag with food in it. James come back over to me handing me one I shuffled over on the blanket to make room for him to sit down.

Everyone sat munching on their little lunches I packed for us Helen now had the camera taking pictures of us all eating. "James Ashley move closer I want a picture of you too, you're the only two I haven't got a picture of together"

"I'm eating" I protested but it was too late James had already moved behind me wrapping his legs around me preventing me from moving. He placed his head on my shoulder and his arms around my waist, "Fine" I said before smiling letting her take a picture of us

"Aww it's adorable!" She showed everyone but me causing me to get up and launch myself at her successfully grabbing the camera and looking at the picture. She was right… It was pretty cute James had a cheesy smile on his face and because he was tickling me a little I was laughing.

"It will make a great phone background!" I declared

"Well let me get one on your phone then" I tossed her my phone "Ready…" I went to sit exactly like I was before and once again he tickled me making me laugh. Helen threw my phone back at me and I looked at the picture it was almost identical to the one on the camera so I set it as my phone wallpaper.

"Have you got twitter?" James asked his hot breath tickling my ear

"Yeah why?" I looked at him

"On your phone?" I nodded at his random question

"Yeah why?" He held his hand out so I placed my phone into it guessing that's what he wanted. He started messing on it but his arms were still wrapped around my waist so he had the phone in front of me so I could see what he was doing. He opened my twitter app and turned the screen so I couldn't see his log in details when he turned it back it was logged in and on the search bar.

"What's your twitter name?" I god I just remembered my twitter name had to be the worst name possible for this moment

"Erm here let me type it in…" He handed me my phone and I typed in my twitter name "Here" I handed him the phone back suddenly finding the sand by my legs more interesting.

"Really Ashley_BTR_ how…" I looked at him my expression blank

"Choose your words carefully" I warned

"What I was going to say cute!" He sounded innocent but I wasn't sure

"Humm" I just carried on watching him pressing the follow button I smiled a little at the thought of finally having James Maslow follow me on twitter I only tried for ages to get him to notice me but hey I'm not complaining now. He went onto his timeline and typed something in before pressing the enter button then handing me my phone back. "Thanks I mumbled" as I tossed my phone between my hands until it started to vibrate and make the twitter notification sound telling us that there was a mention for whoever was logged in. I looked at it and James was still logged in

"I think there are some pissed fan girls wanting you" I was slightly amused he had only been logged in for a matter of minutes and my phone was going crazy. He took the phone off me laughing as he scrolled down reading the messages.

"You know what they are talking about?" I shook my head

"Nope… what are your crazy" he coughed probably at my choice of words "Sorry I mean adoring fans talking about?"

"You…" My jaw dropped

"W-w-what, me why me…" why where _his_ fans talking about me…

**A/N. So if you got down to here it kind of finishes quite abruptly and for that I apologise again there is another reason for this... it was simply too long I hadn't expected it to be that long so there will be a kind of chapter two posted soon as well :) Hope you enjoyed also please keep reviewing the more you review the more I write and the more I plan future fics as it gives me inspiration LOVE you all!**


	13. C12 Sun, Sea and Singing

**A/N. Okay so I started school yesterday in my final year until six form :D WOO! Hope you enjoy already got coursework to re-do and been told I'll get detention as well :') Ahh the joys of school anyway enjoy!**

"Because of my tweet and picture upload…" I looked at him in the eyes not quite registering what he was trying to tell me. "Well I uploaded that picture you've got as your background and tweeted I quote, chilling on the beach with the guys and some lovely British lady's lovely weather in England hope your all good! x o x o"

"Why James the fans are only going to get pissed" I couldn't believe it I thought that when you were famous you had to stop posting stuff like that

"Who cares what the fans think I'm having a great time and thought I should share it with the world" Ohh god why did he have to do that face with those sweet innocent eyes!

"But-" He interrupted me

"No buts let's just amuse ourselves with teenage girls tweets" He looked back down to the phone and refreshed so more tweets came up. "OMG look at this one" he pointed to one tweet it read, 'OMG who is she! Eurg James she's horrible! I'll be waiting for you ;)'

"Ohh iya, looks like someone wants you" I winked at him causing him to laugh

"Don't think I'll be going near her ever…" He mumbled still laughing reading more and more of these tweets

"You should have tagged me, see what they say to me" I wasn't really sure I would want fan girl hate but it would amuse me

"Okay then but please change your twitter name before I tag you, here I'll log out" He handed me the phone after a couple of minutes I logged in and went to change my name but I couldn't think of anything good

"What can I change it too…" He let out a thoughtful sigh before saying "Okay then but please change your twitter name before I tag you, here I'll log out" He handed me the phone after a couple of minutes I logged in and went to change my name but I couldn't think of anything good

"What can I change it too…" He let out a thoughtful sigh before saying

"You could always try Ashley_S"

"Okay" I typed the new name in saving it and then logging out and logging back in again to make sure that it worked, it had "Done"

"Okay then let me log back in" He had a mischievous glint in his eye but I really didn't want to know why. I looked around and everyone had disappeared I scanned the beach only to find them playing with a Frisbee further down the beach. The sun was still shining bright in the sky was starting to get too hot now. I need to get rid of this top but I can't while James is sitting in my way also I didn't want to move out of his grip it was nice I am just enjoying being this close to him without it seeming too weird. I sighed putting my eyes back on the phone he was typing something but I couldn't quite see because of the sun shining on the screen.

"What are you writing now?" He cleared his throat before speaking

"Quote 'The girl I am sitting with in the picture is Ashley_S go follow her! She's awesome in some many ways!' happy new followers and a horde of pissed fan girls to amuse yourself with"

"Woo" I said that as sarcastically as I could for no reason "Look you have more mentions" He clicked on the mention button scanning the tweets so fast I couldn't keep up

"Aww look at this girls tweet, Jamesmaslow why the hell is everyone bitching about Ashley_S judging by her twitter she's really cool, and James seems happy which makes me happy so get over it he's old enough to make his own decisions to go with whoever he wants, and I guess if he is with her well my heart just broke a little but yeah BE HAPPY FOR HIM! P.S Love you James hope your good!"

"You have to reply to her, she is the nicest fan ever!" It's weird how just one little OK long tweet can make you so happy and bring a smile to your face. I was watching James hand glide over the keys once more as he typed her a reply "What have you put?"

"I put, Aww I really do have some amazing fans! I'm so glad you accept mine and Ashley's friendship, love you too :) xoxox JM"

"You're so nice to your fans, I don't think I could handle all the bitchy tweets you must get"

"Well I kinda have to be nice to them… But here's your phone back" I threw my phone getting it in my bag unexpectedly "Hey do you want to go in the water?"

"Yeah sure let me take my shorts and top off first though I don't have any spares" I slipped off my denim shorts and floral vest top to reveal my coral Hollister bikini. I smiled at James who was stood with his jaw open and his eyes almost falling out of his head I rolled my eyes and pushed his jaw shut. "Come on you you're catching fly's, by the way put your eyes back in" He blinked a couple of times as I grabbed his hand and dragged him towards the sea. Until he started running and I couldn't keep up with him, when I reached the edge of the water I let it wash over my feet it was freezing! "It's so cold" I said with a shiver

"Obviously now come on before I drag you in!" His voice was playful and his eyes told me that he would do it if I didn't hurry up. I took a deep breath and ran towards James who was already swimming around in the deeper part.

We started splashing each other and play fighting in the water. He thought he had won by holding me by my arms but I spun around him and clung to his back, wrapping my legs around his waist and my arms around his neck and shoulders.

"HA! I win" I shouted as I done a victory dance

"I let you win…"

"You didn't so why lie?" I said playfully splashing more water on him

"Shut up" and he splashed me back I went up to him and looked up at him in the eyes doing my impression of puppy dog eyes and said

"I'm sowwie!" In the most childlike voice I could manage then hugged him as tightly as I could he probably thinks I have a mental illness but I haven't… At least I don't think I have.

"Alright, alright I forgive you! Just please let go I need my ribs for further use"

"YAY!" I shouted before letting go of him

"Your acting like a child do you know that" He stated

"I know…" I said simply preoccupied by the crab crawling around my feet near my toes. "OWW" I yelled as the crab pinched my foot "Little fucking bastard owwwww!" I yelled as it kept its grip on me

"What's up?" James asked in a panicked voice worry written all over his face.

"Stupid fucking bastard crabs got hold of my foot!" Stupid crab would have ruined my little moment of being an innocent child

"Stand still I'll get it off, I thought you stood on something really sharp and sliced your foot open not a little crab pinching your foot" I tried not to cry as James pulled the crab off my foot making it increase its pressure. Damn why did this crab hurt so much yet when I take a metal blade to my skin that doesn't. Urgg and again I need to stop thinking about that I promised myself I would stop thinking about it!

"There it's off" He said holding up the crab which was trying to pinch his fingers

"Right well now that is sorted I've had enough of the sea I'm going to play catch or something" I stated limping back towards the beach. That damn crab now I can't even walk why make it so difficult stupid creature.

"Okay shall we play Frisbee with the others?" I nodded as I carried on walking. When I was out of the water the air was slightly colder than before so I wrapped my towel around me sitting on another for a while till I dried off. James had already gone to play with the others so I just sat and watched. He looked amazing the water on his body making the sun dance on his perfectly sculpted abs his wet hair pushed back out of his face making him look even more amazing! Why is it guys like these only ever come from America… Maybe it was just me, maybe I was just picky I don't know but I do know that I like James even more now. I know I can't do anything about it though after all he doesn't even live in the same country as me! I mentally cursed my mother for not moving to America like she said she always wanted to.

I jogged over to everyone my body now feeling a lot warmer. We played with the Frisbee for a good hour before it started getting dark and slowly they went back to our towels. I was just me and Carlos left playing in the end, he really did have bundles of energy that didn't seem to fade. "Hey I'm going to sit over there for a bit" I smiled I knew he would want to sit with everyone else sooner or later, we walked over to everyone

"I'm going for a walk" I announced putting my shorts and top back on grabbing my iPod and phone

"Want me to come?" Beth asked looking concerned

"No I'm fine, just want to write a little you know" She nodded before I walked off, I kept walking along the beach until I reached the sand dunes. The light was fading now and the sunset on the beach looked beautiful! You could only see half of the sun but the water was reflecting it so it looked almost like a whole. I took out my phone and snapped a quick shot the picture looked good so I uploaded it to twitter with the caption, 'Most amazing day ever at the beach with everyone, now look at this sunset doesn't it look amazing! Time for some writing I think love my friends too much right now!' I opened the memo on my phone so I could write stuff.

I let the thoughts of today fill up the space as my fingers glided over the keys absentmindedly. I really should write when I'm in a good mood rather than writing when I argue with my mum like I usually do. I started humming a little tune in my head as I read back over the lyrics they weren't bad for one of my 'happy' songs. I was interrupted by a figure from where everyone was sitting moved closer, I couldn't make out who it was there was hardly any light, the only light around me coming from my phone and iPod screens. As the person got closer I could work out that it was James,

"Hey are you okay, you've been up here for ages" I sighed I hadn't been here for that long surely.

"Yeah am fine I was just writing, by any chance did Beth send you up here?" I asked as he sat down next to me

"No they all decided on playing truth so I come up here to escape and see what you're doing" I smiled, should have known they would play that game with them

"Ahh I see just as awkward as I get when I play that game" He laughed at that and started drawing in the sand with a twig.

"So what have you been doing?" I looked at him

"Writing" I mumbled wait why was I being so shy about this… normally I will show my work to anyone who is willing to listen or read

"Cool, can I see?" I looked at my phone then back at him before reluctantly giving him my phone. Now it was my turn to draw in the sand while he read my words out in a whisper "Wow there really good" I took back my phone but he grabbed my arm studying it again. I sighed

"You're going to ask questions now aren't you?"

"You got that right" I sighed again I should have knew it was coming sooner or later

"Go on then"

"Well this is going to be obvious but why?" He face was laced with concern

"Well. Do you want the whole story?" He nodded "Okay, well when I was little, about 4 I think my dad left me and my mum who was pregnant. He told her that she was worthless basically and he told me that I was a mistake he never even wanted children and that I was worthless and unwanted which has stayed with me even now I fell unwanted basically he left because of me. So it was just me mum and an unborn child, which turned out to be my little sister. I loved her so much but last year she died" Tears threatened to spill from my eyes, I have never told anyone this and here I am telling it to someone who I will probably never see again once he goes back to America. "It was a hit and run they never found the driver, they say there still looking but I know they have given up" Okay now we had the tear. They were streaming down my face uncontrollably it's not worth trying to catch them more will only replace them. I look at him his eyes held a mixture of emotions in them

"I'm sorry" He leaned forward wrapping his muscular arms around my tiny sobbing frame "I don't know what to say" I pulled away and looked at him

"You don't need to say anything it's not your fault I'm such a mess and every time I feel upset I decide to slice my arm to shreds is it?"

"But I don't know, it just seems like you have had a really hard time" He still held a look of sadness in his eyes

"Yeah but I'm used to it now as one of my favourite lyrics is my scars remind me that my past is real" I smiled it had to be one of my favourite songs in the world. It helped me forget everything when I was upset which was pretty much every day and it reminds me that am not alone in this world it shows that other people feel like I do.

"But isn't that a bad thing? That you remember all the bad times" I nodded

"Yes but it also means that I've been through tough times and have come out the other side" I explained my reasoning behind the lyrics

"Ohh I understand I don't mean to push you but when was the last time you cut?"

"The night before my mum left and you stayed" I remember so clear the words she said to me how she explained that I'm useless and not worth anything. I manage to reassure myself that it's worth living now but still I cut I made the pain fade. I added more scars and slices onto my arm, more blood lost from my body.

"That's why they were so red and clear that night…" He murmured to himself

"Yeah" I felt a wet tear fall onto my hand I hadn't even realised I was still crying. I wiped more tears from my face and the rest out of my eyes.

"Well now you have me to talk to so I want you to promise me something" I nodded not understanding what he was getting at "I want you to promise me that if you ever feel like that you don't cut you will phone me, skype me or tweet me and I promise I will be there for you to let all your emotions out to"

"Thank you but you don-" He cut me off

"I want to!" He sounded so determined

"Okay" I couldn't help but let a laugh out "You know you're the first person I have told about this _ever_!" I have never found the courage to tell someone this I thought they would think I was attention seeking like everyone did when they seen my scars.

"Well I hope it made you feel better" He smiled the sweetest sincerest smile I have ever seen from him. "Do you ever show anyone your work?"

"Not really only if they find them in books or my phone" What's he getting at?

"Well why don't you sing it?" Ohh no

"No, no I can't" My voice full of panic

"Aww come on I bet you had an amazing voice!" He nudged my arm flashing a cheeky grin at me

"No I never sing to anyone ever"

"How about I will sing with you then?" I shook my head like a little child refusing to do as there told "Why not?"

"'Cos I never sing to anyone! EVER! I can't sing" I lied I knew I could sing but no way am I singing in front of people especially not a famous boy band!

"I know you can sing just like I know your lying to me" Once again he had the cheeky smile on his face

"Okay am lying but I'm not singing in front of people" I couldn't just give in could I. I'm meant to be the stubborn one but his puppy dog eyes, his cheeky grin, the way he tries to convince me am good enough makes me want to give in…

"Ohh come on I'll be singing with you" Before I could react he pushed me onto my back so he was looking down at me with that million dollar smile placed on his face and his hands on my shoulders so I couldn't escape. "Now are you going to sing with me or shall I just stay here all night pinning you down" I sighed

"Well I'm not singing so I guess you'll be pinning me down all night" I said thinking I had the better of him, hoping he will give in.

"Ohh well if that's how you want to play it" He sat on my legs still with his hands still on my shoulders looking down on me. For a fully grown man he wasn't that heavy but I really don't fancy pins and needles right now.

"Really…?" I asked in an exhausted tone

"Yup" He nodded

"Isn't there anything I can do to make you change your mind and get the hell off me" He shook his head making his hair flop around "Not even this…" I leaned up and he must have sensed what I was going to do as he leaned down meeting me in the middle. I smiled a little into the kiss it was sweet but passionate at the same time. I couldn't believe that he would be leaving soon I just wish that he could stay for a little longer. We pulled away he looked slightly dazed but smiled all the same "Well…" I was expecting him to get off me but he didn't he leaned in again this time putting his hands on the side of my face as I let him take control with this kiss. He was so gentle and loving unlike most boys I have dated before who push and try to get their own way with everything. We pulled apart once again and he stayed resting his head on mine seeing this as his moment of weakness I flipped him over onto his side and got up and ran towards everyone making sure I had my iPod and phone. When I reached them James was right behind me I sat on my towel wrapping the spare around my shoulders smiling when James sat down trying to catch his breath.

"What were you two up to then ey?" Logan asked adding a wink on the end

"Talking" I answered simply

"Yeah, yeah that's what they all say" Ellen said sarcastically

"We were… what else do you want us to say" Said James defensively

"Well you could explain why Ashley has sand all over her back and hair" I rubbed my hair and back trying to get rid of the sand I didn't even know was there.

"Well she wrote a song and I was trying to persuade her to sing it to you guys but she wouldn't agree so I pinned her down trying but… Never mind" I punched him in the arm

"Keep digging that hole!" I warned

"Ooo then what…" Carlos poked in

"Nothing" We said in sync

"They made out" Kendall said smirking at James expression when he said it

"What… Pffffttt no we never" James spluttered

"Well now we know they did" said Carlos

"How did you know?" I asked trying to kill a little tension by interrupting

"One James looks flustered, two both your lips are red, three your expressions" Kendall said simply

"Ohh alright then" Beth said

"Well since you worked that out I get to make you answer something" Everyone nodded at my demand "When did you all last make out then?" I smiled as they all looked at each other clearly uncomfortable with the question "Well come on I want answers no matter how uncomfortable you feel" I high fived James as Steph said

"Well I'm sure I don't need to answer that you all know already" I couldn't help but laugh at her tone

"Last night" Carlos said with a blush creeping on his face

"Same" Exclaimed Logan completely flustered

"When we were messing in the sea…" Beth trailed off

"Okay now you all understand how you made me and James feel how about we stop talking about the subject" There was a chorus of yes' before Helen said

"Ashley can we hear your song?" I looked at everyone they all looked so hopeful. I looked at James who smiled and nudged me boosting my confidence a little

"Only if James sings it with me" Everyone cheered a little including James. I moved closer to him wrapping the towel around his shoulders as well opening the folder on my phone as Logan and Kendall counted us in.

_Say my name like it's the last time,  
>Live today like its your last night,<br>We want to cry but we know its alright,  
>Cause I'm with you and your with me, <em>

I started waiting for James to join with me.

_Butterflies, butterflies..we were meant to fly,  
>You and I, you and I... colors in the sky,<br>We could rule the world someday, somehow  
>But we'll never be as bright as we are now.<em>

Finally he joined with me.

_We're standing in a light that won't fade,  
>Tomorrow's coming but this won't change,<br>Cause some days stay gold forever.  
>The memory of being here with you is one<br>I'm gonna take my life through,  
>Cause some days stay gold forever.<br>_

I stopped singing letting him have a paragraph.

_Promise me you'll stay the way you are,  
>Keep the fire alive and stay young at heart,<br>When the storm feels like it could blow you out  
>Remember, you got me and I got you..<br>Cause we are butterflies, butterflies... we were meant to fly,  
>You and I, you and I... colors in the sky,<br>When the innocence is dead and gone,  
>these will be the times we look back on.<br>_

_We're standing in a light that won't fade,  
>Tomorrow's coming but this won't change,<br>Cause some days stay gold forever.  
>The memory of being here with you is one I'm gonna take my life through,<br>Cause some days stay gold forever.  
><em>

Again I sang but this time he stopped

_I won't, I won't let your memory go  
>Cause your colors they burn so bright,<br>Who knows, who knows what tomorrow will hold  
>But I know that we'll be alright<br>_

When the chorus picked up he sang with me our voices melted together in my ears.

_Butterflies, butterflies... we were meant to fly,  
>You and I, you and I... colors in the sky,<br>We could rule the world someday, somehow  
>But we'll never be as bright as we are now.<em>

We're standing in a light that won't fade,  
>Tomorrow's coming but this won't change,<br>Cause some days stay gold forever.  
>The memory of being here with you is one I'm gonna take my life through,<br>Cause some days stay gold forever

I smiled looking at everyone's reactions. "Wow Ashley that's amazing!" Shouted Beth

"Thanks"

"When did you write that?" Asked Steph

"When I was sitting up there" I pointed behind me noticing how dark it actually was.

"It's really good" praised Ellen "Didn't know you wrote songs"

"I have been for a while now but this seems to be the happiest" I glanced at James who's smile faded a little but I still kept my silly grin

"Guys I don't mean to kill to moment and all right but it's really dark and we have to get the train back" Interrupted Logan

"Yeah he's right come on let pack up" Everyone agreed and packed up all the towels and stuff we had brought with us. As we were walking back to the station we took some final snap shots of each other together and some of the stunning beach lit by the moon. This had been the best day a good one for me to remember when I'm down. I think I may have even fallen hard…

**A/N. So well done if you got down to here and are reading this... it was VERY long I know and I'm sorry trying to fit to much into one chapter AGAIN! Need to stop doing that I just guess that I've been dying to write for ages just haven't had the time and when I do I try to get it out all in one go... :') Doesn't help I've had a bottle of Lucozade and its like 25 to 11 but shh no one had to know... ;) REVIEWS PLEASE! I'LL LOVE YOU FOREVER IF YOU DO 3 Or go stalk my tumblr (.com/) Its filled with all kinds of BTR stuff... Or maybe my twitter (/#!/Ashley_TW_) :D I follow back btw just let me know so I can. Love all my readers!**


	14. C13 This Past Week

**Ashley's POV**

The rest of the week we spent with each other, getting to know more and more about one another. We spent a couple of days with the others so it was less awkward but after a day or two we didn't bother. I even managed to convince Kendall, Logan, Carlos and Dustin to horse ride obviously I got it on film even the boys brought a camera to capture the rare moment when they got to enjoy a little horse ride even if they were on lunge lines. I also took Toby down the fields for a little gallop while I filmed as I rode Dustin took pictures on his camera and Carlos filmed it. The rest of the days we spent alone we revisited the beach and wrote some more songs, I told him more about my life as he told me about his own life. These days I've gotten to know the real James and not the James I see in interviews or on TV and the more I get to know the real James the more I seem to be falling for him. Falling hard for his charm, his sweet smile, his beautiful hazel eyes, that perfect brown hair, everything.

**James' POV**

When I saw Ashley for the first time you want to know the first thing I noticed about her… Okay so as cliché as it sounds I didn't notice her eyes, her hair or anything like that I noticed how she wasn't completely freaked out by some stranger falling over in front of her. Not to mention she didn't freak when she found out who I was, it was a little reassuring to know that I was capable of still walking around virtually unnoticed still in the UK. Being famous is normally amazing and awesome but sometimes people recognising you when you're out doing general things it gets a little annoying. I couldn't believe that I actually got to spend more time with her she had even got me to ride a horse again not even mentioning me falling off but the second time when the guys rode with me that was awesome! Watching her gallop around the flied the way she did on Toby the beautiful beast of a horse (who has more muscle that me) really made me realise how talented she is. She has such a sweet nature about her, her eyes, her accent (damn the English accent was hot!),the way she is when she's around other people, he voice! Ohh you couldn't forget a voice like hers it was angelic! But now the time has come, the time I have been dreading the past couple of days as I've found myself falling for her. The time for me, Kendall, Logan, Carlos and Dustin to go back to LA minus our new friends or in my case someone I have fallen for a little too hard

**Beth's POV**

Okay so I guess these last couple of days have been a complete dream. I mean how the hell did Ashley manage to meet a member of Big Time Rush in the middle of London and midnight. I don't even know if I believe the whole story no matter how many times her and James tell me it. I guess I can't really ask too many questions or even doubt how she met him by chance or if she did go stalking around London looking for them. If it wasn't for her I would never have met Kendall freaking Schmidt! I don't think that I will be forgetting this week any time soon… We have spent so much time together with these guys I feel like I've known them my whole life. When Kendall rode at the stables I couldn't help but smile I know he's rode before but he rides western so to be able to get in an English saddle and ride almost perfectly was amazing. Also the days we didn't spend with the rest of the group and me and Kendall went exploring London I showed him the best restaurant, the best parks basically the best of everything that London has to offer. We went sightseeing around London yes I live here but I have never properly been sightseeing around it. Well you 'making out' as Kendall, James, Logan, Kendall and Dustin call it on top of the London Eye is amazingly romantic! Champaign and strawberries and the most beautiful view of London at night when it's all lit up. It could possibly be described as perfection!

**Kendall's POV**

Okay so I will admit it when James first said he had met someone over here and she was really cool. I couldn't help but wonder if she was one of the girls who seemed nice but actually only wanted a bit of publicity by knowing us. To my surprise she is a really nice girl not to mention her friend Beth. Well where do I begin she's amazing so sweet and caring. I mean when they convinced me to get on a horse when we all visited the riding school they work at she promised me she would be there all the time next to me making sure I was okay. So that's what she done she stayed with me right the way around she even told me that she had picked the best horse for me to ride. Which I had to agree Carlos was the best he was go gentle and didn't rush. It was so weird to ride English I'm used to the chunky secure Western saddle the English saddle feels like your about to slip off. I guess I'm a master though and managed to stay on! When everyone started filming though I smiled right the way through I would always have something to look at and remember the amazing times we spent in England with these awesome girls! Romance also seems to have blossomed between James and Ashley, Carlos and Ellen, Logan and Helen, Dustin and Steph also seem to have something going on judging by the train ride to the beach the other day. What about me and Beth I hear you ask well I guess I've fallen for someone I really can't have there's no chance we will be able to see each other for one I live in a completely different country and another thing I doubt she will remember me when I leave. Unlike her I will never forget the time I spent with my four best buds and these five amazingly talented British girls.

**A/N. So well it took a while for me to write this so I hope you enjoyed!Hope your happy with it Beth! :D Finally done your little bit was the hardest out of them all... I think I am going to move this story to these four main characters what do you think? Let me know in the reviews, tumblr: .com , twitter .com/#!Ashley_TW_ thanks for reading this hope your enjoying it! please come talk to me I don't bite! 3 much love to you readers! 3**


	15. C14 Goodbyes aren't forever

**A/N. :o Look I actually posted not just said I would... Okay so there are some reasons I have not posted in a while some being that I have moved house, I have a maths exam soon and the most obvious one I'm just terrible at posting and updating these things. Also I've had a bit of writers block but I kind of worked through it so some bits might be really bad and for that I'm sorry. I have recently discovered that writers block gives you the worst headache ever! :/ So I am now off to get two painkillers while you read away... Ready... Set... GO! Ohh enjoy**

**Ashley's POV**

Me, Beth, Helen, Steph and Ellen now found ourselves sitting in the airport with James, Kendall, Logan, Dustin and Carlos waiting for their plane back to LA. We were sat in a lounge spread out over the many couches and chairs dotted around the room. James and I were sat peacefully enjoying the last of each other's company I rested my head on his chest listening to his heart beating deep in thought. I had one of my headphones in listening to the lyrics of the songs passing through the headphones. Mostly I had played Big Time Rush just to be able to remember the moments we have spent together and the many times the boys had sung their songs for us. I smiled at the memories that filled my mind and glanced up at James who was playing with one of my hands.

"What you smiling at?" he whispered in my ear sending a shiver down my spine

"Nothing really just the past weeks… they have been amazing!" I whispered back. He let out a soft laugh

"Couldn't agree more" He sighed "It's such a shame we have to go home"

"Well as you said we can still skype, phone and text each other" He nodded as solemn look crossed his face "Hey cheer up you get to see all your family and friends! Plus you will have better weather" I told him with a light elbow to his side.

"But… I guess you're right, anyway what you listening to?" a faint blush tinted my cheeks "Ohh I see listening to the Gods I see" with the most adorable wink ever. He took my other headphone and listened to the song. I was playing Worldwide, I just felt like it was appropriate for the situation.

"It seemed appropriate" I told him quietly as he sung softly in my ear.

"Oyy Carlos, Logan, Kendall, Dustin! Can I talk to you for a minute…" James shouted as he released his grip around me getting up.

"Yeah sure but why?" Kendall asked

"Well if you come outside you'll find out won't you" James replied rolling his eyes at his friends question. I went and sat with the other girls as we watched the five of them leave the room.

"What do you think they are doing?" questioned Beth

"Honestly I haven't got a clue" I answered as the door flew open and the boys bounced back in with mischievous grins on their faces. "What ar-"

"Shh and listen" Carlos said interrupting me. I watched as Dustin grabbed his guitar out of his case and settled himself on the arm of a chair allowing the boys to stand around him. He started strumming softly and I realised what he was playing… it was Worldwide. Then the boys joined in singing along

_**Wait a minute before you tell me anything  
>How was your day?<br>'Cause I been missing**__**  
>You by my side, yeah <strong>_

_**Did I awake you out of your dream?  
>I'm sorry but I couldn't sleep<br>You calm me down  
>There's something about the sound of your voice<strong>_

I, I, I, I never, never, never  
>As far away as it may seem no<br>Soon we'll be together  
>We'll pick up right where we left off<p>

Paris, London, Tokyo  
>It's just one thing that I gotta do<br>Hello, tuck you in every night on the phone  
>Hello, tuck you in every night<p>

And I can hardly take another goodbye  
>Baby, won't be long<br>You're the one that I'm waiting on  
>Hello, tuck you in every night on the phone, woah<p>

Girl, I'll be thinking about you worldwide, worldwide, worldwide  
>Girl, I'll be thinking about you worldwide, worldwide, worldwide<br>Girl, I'll be thinking about you

Yes, I may meet a million pretty girls  
>That know my name<br>But don't you worry, no  
>'Cause you have my heart<p>

It ain't easy to keep on moving city to city  
>Just get up and go<br>The show must go on  
>So I need you to be strong<p>

I, I, I, I never, never, never  
>As far away as it may seem no<br>Soon we'll be together  
>We'll pick up right where we left off<p>

Paris, London, Tokyo  
>It's just one thing that I gotta do<br>Hello, tuck you in every night on the phone  
>Hello, tuck you in every night<p>

And I can hardly take another goodbye  
>Baby, won't be long<br>You're the one that I'm waiting on  
>Hello, tuck you in every night on the phone, yeah<p>

Girl, I'll be thinking about you worldwide, worldwide, worldwide  
>Girl, I'll be thinking about you worldwide, worldwide, worldwide<br>Girl, I'll be thinking about you

Whoa, wherever the wind blows me  
>You're still the one and only girl on my mind<br>No, there ain't no one better  
>(Worldwide)<br>So always remember  
>(Worldwide)<br>Always remember, girl, you're mine

Paris, London, Tokyo  
>It's just one thing that I gotta do<br>Hello, tuck you in every night on the phone  
>Hello, tuck you in every night<p>

And I can hardly take another goodbye  
>Baby, won't be long<br>You're the one that I'm waiting on  
>Hello, tuck you in every night on the phone, woah[all]<p>

Girl, I'll be thinking about you worldwide, worldwide, worldwide[logan/james harm]  
>Girl, I'll be thinking about you worldwide, worldwide, worldwide<br>Girl, I'll be thinking about you

Worldwide  
>Yes, I may meet a million pretty girls<br>That know my name  
>But don't you worry<br>'Cause you have my heart

They finished perfectly every note perfect. I had tears streaming down my face by the end unable to keep them in any longer. The boys rushed over to us and wrapped us up in a group hug.

"Girls we will be thinking 'bout you worldwide" Dustin exclaimed as he clung to Steph like his life depended on it. I wrapped my arms around James neck as he kissed me gently.

"You're amazing do you know that…" I said still shocked by what just happened.

"Well I do try" He said shrugging his shoulders

"Ohh cocky now ey" I said playfully fighting back more tears. I got a puzzled look in return from James who I guess had never heard that expression before "It means you a little full of yourself" I said laughing at his fake hurt expression. We all sat around chatting with each other enjoying the last of their company until,

"Flight 356 to Los Angeles is now boarding" The voice boomed over the speakers. It was time for them to go get on their flight. Time for them to fly out of our lives… I couldn't handle keeping my tears back anymore as we walked the boys to the gate saying our final goodbyes. I hugged everyone and went back to James who wrapped his arms tightly around my shoulders as I cried into his chest.

"I really don't want you to go" I said still hiding my tear stained face in his chest. He pulled me back and tilted my face upwards to look into his eyes

"I don't want to go either trust me but I have to…" He paused for a moment swallowing hard "We'll still talk it's not like its forever but I'm going to miss you so much!" He finished pulling me into a passionate kiss as he pulled away I lingered leaning my head on his.

"Bye James…" I said as he turned towards the gate with the other guys and started walking down the tunnel towards the plane. It felt as if a part of my chest had been ripped wide open and there was a gaping hole. As he reached the end he turned and waved blowing a final kiss before he boarded the plane. "I'm going to miss you so so much James…" I whispered as I let the hot tears stream down my cheeks.

James POV

I knew this wouldn't be the last time we saw each other. Yet I couldn't help the tight knot that had built up in my chest along with the lump in my throat. I took a deep breath and looked behind me only to see her standing there tears streaming down her face as she waved our final goodbye till we seen each other again. I let a couple of tear fall down my cheeks but quickly wiped them away before anyone noticed. I never felt this way about anyone before, I have to leave people behind all the time because of us travelling but I've never felt like I had had a part of me ripped right out. I felt like I was missing something, like I had left something behind even though I had all of my possessions with me. 'I will see her soon…' I thought to myself just as I took my seat on the plane ready to leave for LA. I watched out of the window as the huge airport became a tiny speck in the distance.

It was one hour since we got on the plane, I had spent the whole time looking out of the window and thinking about how the next couple of months will pass before I can visit Ashley again. "Hey dude, you alright?" I was broken out of my thoughts by Kendall

"Er yeah am fine why wouldn't I be…" I answered not taking my eyes from the small window. He let out a deep sigh

"You're going to miss her aren't you?" I glanced at him then back to the window as he carried on "You can't lie James you may be a great actor but seriously I can see through it, you and Ashley were so close I've never seen you like that before especially around someone you have only know a couple of weeks"

"Yes I'm going to miss her she was different from everyone else, she seemed to actually care… she was real" He placed a comforting hand on my shoulder "I mean you're going to miss Beth aren't you…?" He nodded

"Yeah I'm going to miss her maybe just as much as you will miss Ashley" This time it was my turn to sigh "Erm James can I ask you something…"

"Yeah sure" I murmured looking back out the window

"Did you love her?" Kendall started playing with his fingers, something he does every time he is trying to disguise his nerves or emotions.

"What…" I said in disbelief

"Did you love Ashley?" He stated simply

"Well I err… I err guess so yeah" I could feel a faint blush hitting my already rosy cheeks "Why?"

"Ohh erm it's nothing" I just looked at him saying silently 'seriously-you-expect-me-to-believe-you' "Well I thought I was the only one who was feeling completely head over heels for Beth but I guess I'm not the only one" I smiled at him

"Well I'm going to try and sleep the jetlag's going to be a killer when we land" Kendall nodded and sat back in his chair placing his headphones in his ears as I did the same allowing myself to fall into a light sleep.

Beth's POV

We were stood at the floor to ceiling windows at the airport as we watched the plane take off into the clouds. Watching the boys walk off down that tunnel was heart breaking watching their faces as they waved goodbye. Damn I was going to miss them so much, we have only known each other for a couple of weeks but it feels like we have all been best friends for years. I turned to Ashley her face stained with mascara and tears I could tell she was hurting just by the look in her eyes. I wrapped her up in a hug "It will be okay you know" she sniffed and pressed her face further into my shoulder.

"I know but right now… It doesn't seem possible" She whispered

"Look you've got me and you've got everyone else too, not forgetting James is only a phone call away" She sighed

"I know but I can't just call you every time I break down can I, that's just not fair on you"

"Well I'm your best friend, it's what I'm here for!" I said poking her in the arm attempting to make her laugh.

"I think I've got the best, best friend in the world!" She exclaimed grinning

"Well I do try" I said sparking a little laugh from the both of us.  
>As we exited the airport to catch out bus back to Ashley's apartment we spotted someone running towards us. He was waving something in the air shouting for us to stop, so we did as we were told and watched as the boy gave us all an envelope marked with our names and a message that read 'Don't read until you are alone! Love &amp; miss you' I was guessing that they were off Kendall, James, Logan, Carlos and Dustin but how did the boy get them… As I turned to ask him he was gone running off in the opposite direction.<p>

"Ohh okay then…" Helen stated slightly baffled

"Well I guess I'll look forward to reading this then" I said as I waved the envelope in the air. "But come on I really want to go home now" Everyone mumbled at me either moaning or agreeing. I placed my letter in my bag careful not to bend or crease it and stared walking down towards the bus stops.

When the bus finally come after an hour of us waiting, we got on and talked for the whole journey home. Our conversations varied from work to the boys and to a whole load of other random stuff. The bus took about one and a half hours but we finally got home, we each said our goodbyes before heading off to our own apartments.

Kendall's POV

"We have just arrived in Los Angeles, please fasten your seatbelts ready for landing" I did as I was instructed fastening my belt around my waist. I could see the plane start to fly towards the ground through the small window James had spent the entire time he was awake looking out of. As we passed through the clouds the city I call home was coming into view, it was night time in LA now so the light from the traffic and buildings made it look magical. The sight of the city lit up at night never failed to please me it made me feel at home to anyone else who was used to seeing the city like this the magical feeling would pass but I still have the buzz you get the first time you see it like this.

I waited for the rough bump as we hit the ground and for the signal that we had successfully stopped to undo my belt and grab my hang luggage from above me. Shortly followed by James who grabbed his bag and walked as quickly as he could off the aeroplane and rushed over to the conveyer belt where our suitcases where. "Hey you okay?" I asked looking to see where everyone else was.

"Yeah am fine why wouldn't I be?" He asked searching for his suitcase along the belt.

"You're being really quiet which isn't like you…"

"Look Kendall I'm fine honestly!" He snapped

"Okay I was just making sure" I muttered

"Tell the guys not to wait for me I'm getting a taxi home" He said as he walked off into the crowd of people. Note to self: Never take something from James which he truly love otherwise he gets pissed with you…

Once I was home I dumped all my bags down by the closet and lied face down on my bed. I wonder if the girls have got their letter from the guy that we worked with at the concert, guess I can Skype her later and see. I could suddenly feel the jetlag starting to take over my body as I closed my eyes and let the sleep take over dreaming about the best times we have spent together in England.

**A/N. So what did you think... Terrible right... I'll take the silence as a yes. Its bombfire night tomorrow! :D Unfortunately I have nowhere to go because all the firework displays have been cancelled therefore I shall spend my whole Saturday at maths revision for my exam on Wednesday :'( and writing when I get home at like 5ish... REVIEW PLEASE!:3 they make me happy or just go on my tumblr which is .com Im off to bed now up at stupid O'clock on a SATURDAY :'(:'( Love everyone of my readers! 33**


	16. C15 Surprises come in small envelopes

**A/N. WOW long time no see... Much needed upload! I am so sorry for not uploading sooner so much crap like being busy writers block laziness yeah shoot me now. But OMG its a chapter I'm happy with! :O:O Shocker right... xD So I'm going to drink my hot chocolate and cream while you read away...**

Ashley's POV

I was sat alone on the sofa in the apartment. I had been sat here since we got home from the airport after Beth left, staring at the envelope that was placed on the coffee table in front of me. _Shall I open it…?_ I thought as I became more aware of how long I had actually been sitting here. _I've got to open it sometime…_ I took a couple of deep breaths before launching myself forward snatching it from the table.

I ran my fingers along the edge of the seal. Then slowly began to open it taking my time and being careful not to rip anything inside. I pulled out another envelope this time slightly smaller along with a picture of me and James at the beach. The was writing on the back

**Hey I guess you got this then…**

**I hope you like the picture, this was a great day! You showed me just how much fun a UK beach can be even if it's a little cold… and you trusted me that day. It meant a lot to know you trust me.**

**So for the next envelope I want you to open it just as you're cooking/ordering in your dinner or "Tea" as you call it.**

**James 33**

I felt a slow trail of tears roll down my cheeks as I re-read the note. I placed it on the table with the other envelope. Drying my eyes with my sleeve getting up to go and take a long bath.

Beth's POV

I threw my bag down on the floor as soon as I got into my apartment, launching myself on the couch. I ripped open the envelope I had received at the airport. A tiny note fell out along with another slightly smaller envelope. I picked the note up off the floor and read it in a whisper to myself

**Hi Beth, so I'm guessing you got this then… Well obviously if you're sat here reading it… If you're a complete stranger you're a creeper! **

**Okay so I guess now I'm on my plane back to LA, damn I'm going to miss you! (As well as the others) There's more to this by the way just open your next envelope when you are watching a film before you go to sleep**

**Kendall xxxx**

Ashley's POV

I felt fresh now and hopefully I had let the worst of my tears go unnoticed against the bath water. I dried my hair with the towel leaving it to air dry instead of using the hair dryer. I scraped it back into a loose bun and noticed the sudden feeling of hunger overtaking my body. I hadn't eaten all day I couldn't bring myself to eat before we took James and the guys to the airport and hadn't had anything when I come home. Lazily I got up and walked over to the kitchen deciding that I had nothing in it to eat I ordered a take away and grabbed the envelope back off my fridge door. Ohh don't ask why I keep it there I just know that I won't lose it if I do.

As I sat back down on the couch with the envelope and blanket my phone buzzed.

_**One new message from: Beth**_

**Hey hope you're alright, I just opened one of my envelopes /3 just thought I'd let you know xxxx**

I typed a quick reply and went back to my envelope carefully peeling off the edge.

It opened to reveal a picture of all of us at the stables crowding around Toby and Carlo as well as another envelope. I turned over the picture to more writing

**I hope you've waited ;) Ahh I'm joking I know you have **

**This picture is my phone background :) I'm so glad you took me here and showed me the English riding style. Even if I did end up in a pile on the floor **

**I know now that when you visit me… us… here in America we will be able to go horse riding an I can show you how we ride**

**Okay so the next envelope is the last one :) Read it before you go to bed or after your food when ever really just… open it and read away**

**James 333**

I twirled the envelope around in my fingers debating with myself when I should open it. 'Is there a point to opening it now?' 'Will I be able to wait till after?' 'Damn it Ashley just open it!' Just as I went to peel away the edge the doorbell went. "Food Delivery!"

"Coming!"

Beth's POV

I flicked to the movie channels on TV as I cuddled further into my bed. Finally deciding on Dear John as it reminded me of the night we first spent at Ashley's house watching films all night. I gently peeled open the seal to reveal two letter, each in different handwriting. One of the letters was in Kendall's the other I wasn't sure. I chose to read Kendall's first.

**Hi once again :)**

**I'm guessing you're tucked up in bed right about now as I get ready to get up or do something if am already up. I'm sat here wondering what film you're watching is that weird me thinking about what film you will be watching in the future but to you the present. Okay that was weird but I hope you got it :')**

**Well we've had so much fun these last couple of weeks! I don't think anyone will understand how James "Accidental" fall in the park could be so good to bringing someone amazing into my life. You've showed me how much more there is to things in general.**

**From the day we spent at the stables where you gave me another English riding lesson which I enjoyed so much. It reminded me of when I was a little kid and would ride western back home. Then when I watched you jump Carlo REALLY BIG! I have never seen anyone jump a horse that big before but I guess that's what you get when you used to go to a riding school where they only done western riding. Talented you are my child ;)**

**I guess we won't see each other a lot now only on skype an stuff like that. I really hope you can come and visit us really soon ;) I smell free plane tickets!**

**Yes I know what you're thinking 'Why is he so weird… and cute' Okay Okay maybe not the last bit but still**

**I'm going to miss you so much! I may be a 'boy' but to be honest it hurts knowing that it could be a while till I next see you. You've shown me so much more to your country and stuff I will always be grateful of it and for that I thank you so so so much!**

**And James made me put this but he said make sure you read the note he made me put in too :) an he sends his love**

**Turn over by the way it's exciting!**

**Love Kendall 333**

I flipped the paper over to see in big letters

**WILL YOU AND ASHLEY PLEASE COME ON TOUR WITH US IN ****AMERICA! ****PLEASE 333**

I let out a small squeal they really wanted us to go on tour with them. I get to see a country I've never seen before and do it all with my best friend and amazing friends. Wow!

Then I opened the little note paper James had given to put in

**Hey Beth**

**Okay so I know I will probably kill your excitement from Kenball's letter but I really want you to do this for me.**

**Okay so here goes, Ashley told me about her cutting when we were at the beach. I guess she trusted me a lot not to tell a soul but she told me that you where one of the only people that knows about it so I guess you're the only one that can truly help me. I am worried she will start again. The day before we got our flight back (today to me now) she said her mum was due back from LA the same day we fly out. I also know that her mum adds to the reasons why she cuts. That added with us leaving I guess I'm scared she will crash and burn and it will become really bad again.**

**So I am asking you to help me keep a eye on her don't tell her about this letter please she will think I don't trust her anymore which I totally do I just want to be sure she doesn't do anything stupid which will harm her and everyone around her. I'll be crushed if something does.**

**So just please make sure that she is okay and that she doesn't let everything get on top of her.**

**James xx**

Wow she must really trust James to tell him EVERYTHING I thought I was the only one who knew about it but I guess not. I grabbed my phone from the bedside table and sent a text to Kendall

**Hiii I just finished with your letters they were so sweet thank you by the way I had Dear John on from the film night, OMG I can't believe you want us to go on tour with you guys it means the world Ill check with Ashley and let you know but I doubt she will say no to James ;) Ohh an tell him I will do everything is taken care of please love Beth**

Send…

So what if it will cost a fortune to send him a text he needed to know that I accept his offer.

Ashley's POV

I threw my body down onto the bed, staring at the envelope that was in my hands. I pressed down trying to feel how many piece of paper it held. It was thin not like the other letters that where thick and held a lot more paper. Carefully I peeled back to seal of the envelope pulling out the two things that were inside. One was a picture of everyone the first night we all stayed at mine.

**The first night we spent real time together, the night that everything changed for everyone**

I placed the picture down on the bedside table and opened the folded piece of paper.

**Hi sweetie :)**

**I hope you're doing okay. I have no idea what time it is when your opening this obviously but I hope it will be a good day/night.**

**I can't say enough how much my life has changed since I met you. I can't believe how I am saying this and I've only known you for a couple of weeks. Before we met I didn't believe in love at first sight but I guess well now I kind of believe by just looking around me and seeing how fast my friends have fell for yours. Not to mention how I've fallen for you, fast and hard!**

**The time we've spent together has been amazing! You showed me things I'd never get to see back home. Call me a geek but the scenery and the buildings in England are so much better than in the US. There is so much more history to the place. **

**Also I probably wouldn't have fell back in love with riding if it wasn't for you showing me English. When I watched you jump Toby on the REALLY big straights that you said where nothing made my heart stop. I don't get how you can do that but not be scared you are so brave. Which makes me think about what you told me, I know that I really have no business saying this to you but please don't start again. You're worth so much more than you think to people and trust me I know how far cutting can get and how it can affect everyone that's around you and cares about you so please don't start again. I won't make you promise but just please don't I can't be there as quick if you need me. I know am only a phone call, a text or an email away but well you know what I mean.**

**Ohh and please keep writing you have so much talent for it and keep singing I know you love it no matter how you might deny it to everyone ;)**

**I'm going to miss you like crazy! But there is one last thing…**

**WILL YOU AND BETH COME ON TOUR WITH US AROUND THE US? :) PLEASE? **

**James 3333**

**A/N. Okay so what do you think... Yeah well I dont care if you dont like it I do ;) Hope you enjoyed! Im going to go write the next chapter now :) Hope you had a nice christmas! And have a good new year if I dont post before :) Can I get a Christmas review please? :3 Would make a girl happy... Anyway bye till I post again xxx  
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	17. C16 Welcome home I guess

**A/N. As promised :) Another chapter for you to read and enjoy (hopefully)**

**Warning there is a lot of swearing and a self harm scene but other than that ENJOY**

What why would they want us to go on tour with them… They don't start touring till next year. But what the hell I really have no words right now. I'm just kind of overwhelmed by it all I mean we've known each other for a couple of weeks yet they are inviting us to tour with them… What the hell! Too many things are running through my head right now… and I smell bacon… wait WHAT why the hell can I smell bacon I'm the only one home. I jumped out of bed scrambling towards the kitchen. The smell becoming stronger as I get closer I peek my head around the door. Wait what why am I doing this no one in their right mind would rob a house and cook bacon in the process not to mention it's like 8AM who robs a house at 8 in the morning! There is soft humming coming from the person too. Wait I know that humming "Mum?" my voice a barely audible whisper "I thought you were in LA"

"Nope I come home early, I was needed in the office want some bacon?" I nodded in reply as I was still processing that she was back. I took a seat in the living room as she handed me a plate with a bacon butty on it.

"So how did it go over there?" I asked taking a bite out of my butty

"Ehh it was okay I guess…" She sounded uneasy

"What do you mean?"

"Well… It was really nice over there but I just couldn't live like that I'd miss the cold and well I'd miss family"

"What do you mean? I'm the only family you've got" I asked in confusion

"Exactly" Her tone was bland and non-emotional as if it didn't affect her

"So you were planning to just leave me here" My voice had raised slightly as I try not to get angry

"Well you're old enough aren't you and your always saying about how you want your own space so I thought why not" She shrugged it off like it was nothing but to me it felt like a whole other piece of my heart had been ripped from my grasp. The feeling had returned, the feeling of her pushing me away again just when I thought it wouldn't come back it did stronger than ever.

"You know what fine go leave me but if you do I don't ever want to speak to you again!"

I whispered harshly to her hoping the she got the clue that I was not messing this time and that if she does leave I won't speak to her ever again.

"You always over react don't you, your just spoiled that's what you are, a brat that gets in the way of everything" Okay now that stung a little

"Spoiled, spoiled well guess who we can blame for that! YOU, ohh you seemed to have forgotten how dad left oh yeah apparently he left because of me! It's not my fault your darling husband abandoned us is it!" That was it I couldn't take it anymore I had to get out I had to go somewhere to cool off. I changed into a pair of joggers and a hoodie grabbing my phone and iPod and left to go to the park. The place where the good seemed to come from in my life.

I sat on a bench watching over the lake, I watched how everything around me moved as if I didn't matter as if I wasn't there. Is this what it would be like for mum if she did move away without me she wouldn't even think about me I mean she barely does now only I'm a physical reminder living with her. I sighed why does my life have to be so complicated! Why me why can't it be someone else for once can't I have the happy ending. I let my eyes drift closed as my phone began to vibrate in my jogger pocket. I pulled it out to see

**Beth Calling…**

"WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!" She screamed down the phone at me, earning me strange looks from passers by

"I'm at the park why the fuss?"

"Well I don't know maybe something to do with the fact I called round to yours on our day off when we were meant to be going shopping for new riding stuff when you mum answered! And said you to had a fight and you ran out what else was I going to do but fuss last time this happened you ended up in hospital!"

"Shit I'm sorry I forgot we were meant to be going to Robinsons"

"It's okay we can still go if you want… I'll come pick you up I'll be like 5 minute"

"Thanks I'm by the lake thing"

"I figured" I heard a soft laugh on the other end of the phone

"Alright well I'll see you in five"

With that I hung up and carried on my previous activities of watching thing around me move as if I wasn't there. Wondering how different my life would be if I'd have chosen to do different things.

10 minutes later

Beth pulled up in her silver Audi her parents bought her when she passed her test. I watched as she walked towards me gently sitting on the bench. We sat there for a while before she broke the silence. "So you going to tell me what's wrong?" I glanced at her briefly before turning my attention back to the ducks swimming around in front of me.

"Well I wasn't planning on"

"Please? If it's about what I think it is you know I kind of understand" I looked at her giving her my complete attention

"I don't really know, there are so many things going on right now I honestly have no idea" Taking a shaky breath I continue "First someone that's helped me so much in like 2 weeks has left, then this morning I wake up to find my mums home without a single phone call to warn me. Then she goes off on a rant about how I'm spoiled and how I pushed dad away and.. yeah just when I think everything was getting better I guess I was so wrong."

"Ohh look I really don't get that but I understand about James, I mean I kind of feel the same way about Kendall"

"I guess… Well do you want to go now? Ohh an could you let me pick up my money from ours I kind of left in a rush"

"Yeah sure come on" She stood up and offered out her hand with a sincere smile on her face.

After getting my bag with my cards and money in it we headed to Robinsons. As usual on mine and Beth's long drives we played music extremely loudly and sang out loud to each and every song. It took about an hour and a half to get to Robinsons and when we got there it was virtually empty only a couple of cars and trailers parked up outside.

As we entered we grabbed two baskets heading towards the rugs and headcollars. "So who did we say we were getting new ones for?" I asked Beth as I looked through the racks.

"Erm… Wasn't it Toby, Carlo, Paddy, Puzzle and I don't remember anyone else..." I nodded and started looking through them again. I pulled out colours that they suited and placed two in my basket and two in Beth's. "So what do we need next?"

"Erm some really cheap lunge reins" She nodded and grabbed a couple of lunge reins and putting them in the baskets. "Okay I seriously need some new boots!" I thought out loud remembering the numerous holes around the edges of my current boots.

"Okay well I don't think we need anything else from down here lets go upstairs"

We traipsed upstairs glancing around us wondering if we needed any of the stuff. When we got upstairs we went towards the boot section. I was looking around at the new boots debating what the best type to get was. "What ones do you think?"

"I don't know well we're only going to be here for a couple more months/weeks whatever till we fly out if you're going to accept and go on the tour with them"

"Humm… I guess so, think am best getting cheap long boots then?"

"Err yeah I guess so, you're going to have to wear them through winter so you know then need to be waterproof"

I scanned the shelves until I found a pair on long boots that weren't too expensive and would last me. Once the woman had got my size and I had tried them on we went and grabbed some new black and navy jods then went to pay for our shopping.

Our shop didn't come to as much as I expected but then again they did have a autumn/winter sale on. We loaded the car with our shopping and climbed in heading off to Starbucks to end our little shopping trip as we always did, with a coffee and something to eat.

As we sat down with our coffee and cakes Beth spoke up, "Are you sure you're okay? You look a little I don't know down I guess"

"I'm fine I told you before I'm just thinking…"

"Care to tell what you thinking of"

"God you're in a pushy mood today aren't you"

"Yes and tell!" I had to laugh at this she was always trying to get me to tell her things and usually did just like now

"Okay, okay" I said laughing "I was just thinking about the day we all went to the beach" A fond smile formed on her face

"That day was amazing" I sighed as I sipped on my coffee

"I agree"

We sat in silence for a few minute finishing off our cakes and coffees when suddenly Beth spoke up

"What are you going to do about your mum when we go to America?" Realisation struck I still hadn't told my mum seen as we didn't get off to the best of starts this morning and we hadn't talking since she left for her holiday

"Erm I don't know… I can't up and leave for America can I…"

"She done it to you"

"Yeah but still I can't just up and leave for God knows how long…"

"Well I'm sure if you told her she wouldn't exactly stop you… Think about it she's been dying to move you out, I'm sorry but it's true" That hurt a little alright I know it was true but still the thought of my own mum wanting to make me move out hurt like hell. I drank the last of my coffee "I wonder what American coffee tastes like? And what amazing foods can you get over there you can't get over here…" Her face lit up as she pondered over the possible foods I just rolled my eyes.

1 hour 30 minute later

Once again I was sat alone in my bedroom. Left with my thoughts just me and them for company. I've had such a nice day today well apart from the beginning I just don't want to ruin it with my thought. Groaning I got up to get something to eat from the kitchen. Just as I grabbed a can of coke and some ham to make a sandwich my mum come into the kitchen. She looked like she had been drinking from the slightly smudged eyeliner and puffy eyes she'd also been crying. Now I gather she is going to have a go at me again… I didn't do anything to disturb her I just carried on making my sandwich when suddenly she bust out shouting "Your spoiled do you know that!"

"Yeah so I've been told" I said in a monotone voice

"What I'd give to have you out of my life is unreal!"

"Umm I've also been told that too"

"You know what why don't you just get your face out of mine"

"I'm not even in your face" No matter how much I tried to keep my anger under control it never worked "You know what I've hardly seen you this past year and when I do see you, you always end up screaming and shouting the odds well guess what news flash I couldn't really give to flying fucks! I've heard all this shit before alright, its engraved into my mind. Not matter how hard I try and scrub it away there's always your stupid pathetic voice telling me I'm worthless and not wanted! Well I've had enough okay I don't want to hear it" With that I storm off towards my room the tears threatening to spill over. I really can't deal with her shit anymore why can't she find someone else to scream at!

That was it the tears had finally overflowed, spilling onto my cheeks making them red and puffy but it wasn't enough to get rid of the pain I felt. I craved for the physical pain it's so much better than the mental and emotional pain I'm feeling right now.

I rushed into my bathroom, reaching underneath the sink feeling around for its cold, hard body. Aha! Got it. I pulled it out… My blade I haven't needed this for weeks should I really give all that up right now. Despite my mental battle I dragged the cold blade across my arm. Ohh how I've missed the feeling of the pain, it's so comforting. I sliced again and again until there were several cuts along my arm. I watched as the blood trickled from the cuts and down into the sink. My vision becoming blurry before… blackness.

**A/N. So how was it? Again another chapter I'm quite pleased with :) Review please and thank you for the reviews I received last night they really do make me smile and I feel loved when I open my emails to reviews. So please review *big hugs through your screen* 3**


	18. C17 I'll always be there for you

**A/N. Wow I haven't uploaded in a while... :? But yeah I'm back now hopefully for good so yeah enjoy! Ohh I may have mucked up a bit on the ages :S Sorry I've forgot how old she was meant to be but yeah it shouldn't make to much of a difference**

Beth's POV

I stepped out of the apartment block and looked at the sky. The rain clouds where ready to let lose onto the whole of London. The wind had picked up a lot since yesterday so I pulled up my hood and started on my way down the road. If the weather was trying to say that today might be a bad day then it's doing a great job of it.

I quickly shuffled along the crowded London streets on my way to Ashley's apartment. I need to know how she is, I feel like I upset her a little yesterday when I basically told her straight that her mum doesn't really care if she goes to America. Okay I might have been a little blunt and everything but she knows it's the truth, there's no getting around it.

I reached the main entrance to the building, stepping inside and removing my hood. I started on my way to the lift but a small sign on the closed doors said they were out of order. "Guess I'll just take the stairs then…" I muttered to myself under my breath as I ran up the stairs.

I knocked on the door to Ashley's apartment a couple of times waiting for an answer. I didn't get one. I knocked again ringing her phone. I could hear her ring tone of the boys singing worldwide but there was still no answer. I rummaged around in my bag looking for the spare set of keys I had for her apartment.

Sliding the key into the door pushing it open lightly, I noticed that the alarm hadn't been put on. 'Maybe she's still asleep' I thought. I quietly tip toed through the apartment towards the bedrooms, pushing the door to Ashley's bedroom open slightly. Poking my head inside and looking around noticing that she wasn't in her bed. I fully opened the door and looked around it was empty her laptop still open on her bed on standby, her phone lying next to it, the bed hadn't been slept in. I looked towards where the bathroom was noticing that the light was turned on. Walking towards it pushing the door open slightly I could see red stains on the floor. 'Oh God no' I thought as I pushed the door wider 'Please no!'. But there she was lying in the middle of the floor, a blade lying next to her hand with a red glaze covering the shiny silver metal.

I rushed to her side kicking the blade out of the way. She was breathing but barely, her breath faint and shallow. I checked her pulse, it was weak but findable. "Why Ashley, why?" I whispered as if she could answer me. I was panicking what was I meant to do… I've never had to deal with anything like this before...

I snatched my phone from my pocket, scrolling through my contact list. Finally arriving at Kendall's number, I pressed call and waited for the phone to start ringing

"Hello?" Kendall answered in a sleepy voice

"Kendall oh my god you need to tell me what to do!" I said panicking and rushing my words

"Beth do you know what time it is!" He said grumbling

"I am fully aware I've just woke you up but I have a really big problem!" I heard sounds of grumbling and yawning from the other end of the phone

"What's the matter?" He asked suddenly more awake than before

"It's Ashley, sh-she must have cut last night and well now… well now she's unconscious on the floor!" I said on the verge of tears

"Oh" He said simply

"You need to help me" I said sounding desperate

"Well there's not much I can do, just make sure she's warm, breathing an then ring an ambulance" I ran to get a blanket from her bed draping it over her tears fully formed and falling from my eyes.

"Okay thank you so much Kendall, please don't tell James please she will hate me forever"

"Beth I really should, he really cares about her"

"Please don't, it's hard enough seeing her like this but seeing her hate me would be the worst thing and we can't worry James you know what he's like"

" I-er-I guess but he will find out sooner or later" He said

"Thank you, bye"

"Bye, let me know how she is, I'll ring you later"

"Okay" I hung up the phone and looked down at my best friend lying out on the floor examining her wrists and counting how many cuts there was trying to fully take in what was going on. I never got why she cut. I never saw the point in it, scaring your body forever were everyone can see and it's almost impossible to hide. I don't really understand why she felt like she couldn't come to any of us about it, there are a ton of people willing to listen to what she has to say, willing to give her advice and a shoulder to cry on when necessary. So I only ask one question over and over again in my head 'why?"

10 minutes later

We were in an ambulance racing through the busy London traffic. The flash of the blue lights and the screech of the siren seemed to drown out everyone else in the ambulance as I sat there staring at her wrists, which where bandages up. They had put an oxygen mask over her face to help her breathing which covered almost all of her features her eyes lightly closed as though she was sleeping.

As we come to a sudden stop we were out of the ambulance and I was sat in a chair in the waiting room. The doctors told me she would be fine and that I should call her mother but every time I tried it would go to her answer phone so I left messages telling her to come here. I don't even know if I'll be able to face her mum when I see her knowing that she hasn't checked on her all night or even before she went out this morning.

I sat there and thoughts rushed through my head. I had so many questions I wanted answers to but I also had a lot I wanted to scream about to show how angry I really was. Trying to calm myself I tried to think of other things but all I could bring to my mind was the first time I had found her with cuts on her arms. I closed my eyes and leaned back in the chair trying to forget about it but my attempts were in vain.

_We were meant to be going out to the cinema but when I got there Ashley wasn't there. She's normally always there on time for the film but that day she wasn't. I thought she might have just been held up in traffic or something seen as the roads looked pretty busy. I waited for half an hour before giving up and started my walk home. As I was on my way home I rang her to see where she was or if she had even remembered. But when I rang her she didn't pick up straight away like she usually did, the phone rang for a while before sending me to answering-machine. I left a couple of messages and carried on my way home. It was lovely and sunny on that day, walking with the sun beating down on my head. Only being 15 I didn't have anything to worry about then, my life seemed so easy compared to now._

_When I got home I remember my mum telling me that I shouldn't sit in on a day like this and that I should be making the most of what little sun we get in Britain. I told her about how Ashley didn't turn up, she told me she had probably overslept or forgot and not to worry. She also said that I should go to her house and see if she was okay. So me being the loyal 15 year old best friend I was, I went to her house not knowing what I would find inside the four walls._

_When I reached the house I knocked on the door and her mum answered it. She was a drunken mess. At first I thought I was seeing things, this woman stood before me was not the parent I knew it was as if someone had flipped a switch inside her turning her into this slurring mess plopped on the sofa. I remember asking her where Ashley was and she replying that her "Bitch of a daughter was upstairs" pointing an extremely shaky hand in the direction of the stairs. Even as I walked around the house the smell of alcohol lingered with every step I took._

_Her bedroom door was slightly open so there was a crack inside, I was expecting loud music or a loud TV program blasting from within but there was nothing. Just a dead silence. When I went inside and peeked around, my eyes fixed onto the shaking, crumpled form lying on top of the bed. As I ran over to see what exactly the matter was I saw it. I saw the blood stained bed cover and pillows that sank in around her. I remember the feeling of my own wet tears sliding down my face as I silently sat down and cradled my best friend, the both of us crying._

_When she finally calmed down enough to be able to talk she showed me the cuts. She told me how she would never do it again, how much she hated herself for even trying it, for even believing the people who had told her it had helped them. Even then I had one question I didn't dare to ask but I could tell by the look on her face as she could hear the faint crashes downstairs of her mum probably banging into things in the state she was in. But being the friend I was did not ask the question I longed to know, I simply helped my best friend into the bathroom to clean herself up and bandage the wounds that covered her arms._

I was disturbed from my thoughts when I felt a light tap on my shoulder. A man in a posh looking shirt and pants was stood in front of me holding his hand out, "I'm the doctor that's been looking after Ashley since she arrived" He smiled as I took his hand and shook it lightly

"Err nice to meet you, I'm her best friend I found her this morning" He nodded sympathetically gesturing towards the chair next to me and I nodded as he sat down.

"I'd like to have a quick chat with you then you'll be able to see her" He said fingers grazing the corners of his folder.

"Yeah that's fine I guess" I played with my hands I could see how this was going to turn out already and he hadn't even started.

"So you know what happened to her don't you?" He asked as if I was so kid who didn't understand what was going on around me. I just nodded fearing the sarcastic answer that might have followed. "Okay well I need to know if you know how long Ashley has been cutting for"

"Well she started when she was about 15 I think so about 3 or 4 years" I said my voice less than a whisper he looked slightly shocked

"You didn't think to tell anyone?" I looked at him enraged and angered, how dare he suggest that I wouldn't care for my friend

"Well no… She told me she had stopped; she told me she would never do it again so I didn't think there was a point"

"You should have really told someone, she could have been seriously hurt" His voice took on the tone that you get when you're in school and teachers are lecturing you about unimportant things

"You think I didn't know that, I-I just couldn't betray her, she trusts me and to her that means everything"

"I understand, but you must know she's very fragile at the minute"

"What do you mean?" I asked not knowing what he was on about

"Well we haven't determined what could have cause this break down, but clearly it has been happening a lot this past couple of months but there seems to be a gap in the time the cuts were formed" My mouth made a small 'O' shape "Can you explain?"

"Well basically her mum gives her a hard time, she says that Ashley is the reason her dad left and yeah. But her mum went away about a month ago to go to LA to look for a new house or something but when she left I guess Ashley was able to be happy for a while considering that her mum had gone and she had met someone she _really _liked and he really liked her back but then he had to go back to America because well he's famous you see and then her mum come back the day after he left so the happiness has been ripped right out of her grip I guess" He nodded in understanding I was surprised he was able to get anything I just said.

"Erm ohh okay, well I'll let you go and see her now"

He got up and led me over towards a white door nodding at me and opening it so I could step inside.

I walked over to the chair next to the bed and watched her as she lied there staring at her bandaged wrists. I sighed loudly attracting her attention, the silence was uncomfortable there is hardly ever uncomfortable silence between us so when there is it's horrible. "Why?" I asked looking her in the eye only wanting the honest answer.

"Honestly" She replied "It seemed like the only thing I had left, the only thing that makes me feel better" I could feel the tears in my eyes once again. I felt so stupid for crying all the time but I just can't help it.

"B-but I just don't get it, you've got so many people you could talk to" I stuttered out still trying to come to terms with what she was saying

"You don't get it, it's easier to cut than it is to talk" She let out a deep sigh "My blade doesn't judge me the way others do, my blade accepts me for who I am"

"You're right I don't get it… I don't think I'll ever get it but I know for sure you need to stop" I said looking her straight in the eyes.

"I will I promise, no more cutting!" She said tears rolling down her cheeks, that told me she wasn't messing around or lying, she was being serious about not cutting again.

"Hugs?" I smiled relieved that the day had a better ending than what I thought it would have.

"Hugs" she replied smiling widely holding her arms open.

"I'm always here for you don't _ever_ forget that!" I said putting emphasis on the 'ever' as we held each other close not daring let go fearing and wondering what the next bump in the road could be for her and what it would end as. But I knew for certain that she was my best friend and I was going to stick with her and help her through it all no matter what.

**A/N. Okay so I hoped you enjoyed that :) Review pwease! I love getting them there something that helps cheer me up when I'm knee deep in school work 3 so hope you're all good and don't forget to review! 3**


	19. C18 Road to recovery

**A/N. Wow haven't updated in FOREVER! Sorry it's took so long exams an finishing school kind of got in the way of this. But yeah I'm going to be updating more as it comes to summer as I have longer than usual off thanks to being in year 11 and leaving school as of next week *Happy Dance* There will be a squeal to this as I want to try an end it soon, I feel like it's way too long but don't worry there is still plenty of chapters to go! Hope you enjoy**

Ashley's POV

They discharged me from the hospital two weeks ago now. I've been staying in Beth's as the doctor had advised as well as attending a psychiatrist and councillor. He said it would help, help me to stop from self-inflicting harm on my body. They don't, they put me on medication I don't want to take. I think there meant to be anti-depressants they say there meant to help reduce the urge to cut, they don't. They don't even come close to helping reduce the urge. The urge is stronger than ever. But I can't let it win I know that now. I have to try and be strong. It's so hard trying to be strong all the time. Letting people lean on me when they often forget that I need to sometimes lean on people as well. That's when I crumble, when I fall hard hitting every possible surface I come in contact with. But they told me to stay strong, that they believe in me, that they love me for who I am, that they're always there. But they're not. They're halfway around the world having the time of their lives performing for hundreds of thousands of screaming teenage girls.

He told me I can go there soon, join them on tour. Have the time of my life as well. But now I've got this medication I can't leave for a while. All I can do is wait. Wait for this to all be over. Wait to be able to finally see him! Ohh I can't wait to see him, it's been way to long now. We still talk of course, there's Skype and phone calls but that's not the same as being there with him. Being able to physically touch him, hug him, kiss him. I miss him so much!

3 month later

I felt stronger now, being able to finally say that I'm almost recovered even though there is a long way to go, I am I lot stronger than a couple of months ago. There is less of the urge to cut more a dull sensation and burning desire in the back of my mind. It's still my go to in most situations but I have other methods to help me now as well not all of my pain is put into cutting.

"I had another Doctors appointment today he said they would be stopping my medication soon. That means I'll be able to fly out!"

The look on his face was priceless; we had been Skyping every day since I got discharged. We had been counting down the days till I could finally fly out with Beth and we could be with them on tour.

"That's amazing Ashley, me and the guys can't wait to see you it's been too long now" I'd never seen his smile this big before.

"James I can't wait to see you and the others!"

"It's not that long now babe, you'll soon be able to see us" He was lying on his bed on his stomach his legs bent at the knee swinging from side to side as a child might do whilst watching their favourite TV show before bed. It was nice to see him smiling; it felt like forever since I last saw him properly happy. Once he found out about the incident he told me that he worried 24/7, I didn't want him to, I told him not to but he said if the situation was flipped how would I feel. I guess I can't argue with that I just feel bad, he walked into my life… Well more like fell but whose keeping note… Even when he found out about the cutting he stayed, so many people have walked right back out once they find out. They don't want to associate themselves with people like me. But he stayed, he didn't have to but he did, that's got to count for something right…

"So what have you been up to today?" I asked him trying and hoping to avoid him asking me how I was going with treatments, doctors, psychiatrists, councillors.

"We didn't do much, travelling in the bus really, there's no concert tonight so everyone's pretty chill." There was a loud bang in the back of the tour bus "Wonder who broke something this time…" He told me to hang on a minute and I watched as he disappeared out of view of the camera down the tour bus. Then there was a squeal, I couldn't help but watch in amusement as James chased Logan down the bus in what little room they had to move around.

"Logan, what have you done this time…?" I asked amused as they both appeared on camera

"Ohh hi Ashley! It wasn't me honestly, it was Fox! I swear it was" Logan tried to sound innocent but his fit of laughter at James' tantrum face made it almost impossible.

"James quit sulking, what's he done anyway?"

"He broke my glass with juice in it!" They both hopped onto the bed, James still sulking and Logan still trying to stop laughing

"Look dude I said I'm sorry! You shouldn't have left it on the edge of a table when we're driving you know these things happen on tour buses"

"Logan you still broke it and don't even think about blaming Fox! You were the one chasing him around the bus, but look whatever just go clean it up before someone gets hurt or it gets stuck in a paw or something" with that James pushed Logan off the bed watching as he disappeared out of view again. "Sorry about that" he said turning back towards the laptop

"It's fine but it was only a glass wasn't it?"

"Yeah but still it was the one I bought from London when we went out one time"

"Well I'll bring you one when I come over" He was smiling once again

"Thank you" I nodded as he spoke again "So how has treatment been going?" Damn I knew he would ask this eventually even though I was hoping he wouldn't ask at all

"Okay I guess" I gave a reassuring smile forever hoping that he would move on to something else but he didn't

"So what's the next thing then?"

"The doctor said that since I've stopped cutting nearly all together now he is going to reduce the amount of medicine I take and once it's down to a certain amount I can fly out!" I gave him the short and sweet version where I cut it down to what one doctor has said and not the others, I'm sick of being told different things from different doctors

"That's great, shouldn't be too long now then. I'm glad you're better now" His smile was small and comforting

"Yeah, I can't wait and I'm glad too" Of course I was lying I hadn't stopped completely. I still cut most days but a lot less than I did before I went into treatment which is good I guess.

"I'm proud of you, a lot of people lost faith but I knew you could do it. I knew you could stop, you're strong Ashley, stronger than what most people can see" I just smiled I mean what do you say to that "No I mean it Ashley"

"You're so sweet" I said "But I've got to go, going out for a bit with Beth. I'll phone you tomorrow or something" I heard his sigh as I often did when we come to saying goodbye. No matter what time of day or night it was he would want to talk forever. Not that I minded but I'm sure we both need our sleep and to go out and do things with our lives, not just talking to each other on Skype or on the phone

"Okays, I'll speak to you tomorrow. Remember stay strong" I blew a kiss at the camera and he returned the gesture waving. I waited for the little message telling me the call had been disconnected then shut the laptop down and went to get ready for a day of shopping with Beth.

**A/N. Hope you enjoyed that, sorry it's shorter than normal just it's really late and I'm super tired! So I'll probably update again in a week or two. Leave me a lovely review an I'll love you forever an ever an ever an ever...**


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